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  1. January
  2. February
  3. March
  4. April
  5. May
  6. June
  7. July
  8. August
  9. September
  10. October
  11. November

January 7, 2002

   Hi boys and girls. Did you miss me all the while I was gone? =) I hope everyone has a great year.

º*ºBootiful Snow! Lovely Snow! Magnificent Snow!!º*º

   AHH!! o_O I saw Mrs. Gallo online today!!! Mrs. Gallo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sbjsgallo... quick!! Everybody add her to your buddy list!!! Heehee =P

 

 

January 17, 2002

   Today is daddy's birthday. Happy birthday.

   Dancie Dancie Dance tomorrow!!! Woohoo!!!! I hope everyone is doing great. Midterms are coming up real soon . . . =(

January 19, 2002

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!

   Sweet!! The snow is sticking!!! I hope that the news holds true and we get a few inches of white fluffiez added to the boring ol' ground, eh? =)

   Alrightiez, I'm real tired. The dance last night was great! I stayed after school for track (as usual) and then remained at school to "help out" with the setup . . . it's scary how we're all so lazy, and all of a sudden, would want to scramble about and help out with the dance =P Well anywayz, it was an experience . . . crazy guys "borrowing" food from the vending machines =P =P =P O man!!! It was real great!! Heehee ^_^

   The dance itself was an experience, too ^_^. Grind grind grind grind grind!! Woohooo!! *dances around* =) Raving was fun too, even though I'm terrible at it =P Terry and Farabi offered five bucks for tit flashes from me, which sent me into a non-stop fit of cracking up BIG TIME. And then Ben came along and had to say, "For me they're FREE *smug smile*." That got to me so bad, I'm surprised I didn't scare everyone away with my insane laughing =P.

   Now, today's track meet *whistles*. I did pretty good by my standards! Ben did real awesome, except some moron tripped him in the 400 (The moron fell afterwards and died. Ha.) but of course Ben got slowed down a lot . . . he was SOO SOOOOOO very close to medaling =( SOOOOOO CLOSE!!! . . . But then again, now he knows he's awesome ^_^ and next time he'll kick some MAJOR @$$!!!!!

   As for me *cough* No medals, but I came so close, too!! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ (rite.. =P) I came in 1st in my heat for the 400m!! Woohoo!! But my time wasn't that great =P. I came in 1st or 2nd in my 55M heat!!! But my time wasn't that great either, heehee =P. Now after I finished the 55M, I was all happy (Cuz my events were ALL OVERWITH!!!!!!!) and I started eating all this candy and junk. Mmm-mmm =) . . . . . and guess wut happens?

   The coach called me over and said, "Tian, you're on a roll today!!! . . . and by the way, you're running in the 4X400 relay." At this, I began to make (very distorted) faces at the coach and at Ben, who came over to see what was going on. I began to whine and be bitter about my bad luck. But anyway =) In the 4X400 relay, our group came in last, but that's OK, cause I did really well!! By the time Cyndie came over and handed me the baton, my group was already in last place, trailing the nearest girl by about, er, 50-100M? Being a lovely girl who had SuGaR!! in her system and was VERY, VERY mad (^_^) at her bad luck, I did a lovely stance where I practically caught up to the nearest girl by about 10M!! All of my good luck at running today, I accredit to the bagel which Ben force-fed me this morning on the bus!! Haha . . . =P

   I'm really, really tired now so I'm gonna go catch up on my ZzZz's. I'll catch you all later =)

February 1, 2002

ONE YEAR!!! JE T'ADORE BEAUCOUP, TOUJOURS!!!!!!

   I don't think anyone ever sincerely believed that we'd make it this far ... except perhaps the two of us? What matters to me is that I have you in my life right now and we'll help each other through whatever tomorrow brings ... do you believe in perfect endings? =) I always did, and I always will.

   Thanks so much for believing in me even when no one else did anymore. Your faith and your trust in me ... I don't know how to express gratitude through words, but just know that I appreciate it so, so much =) I love you!

   PS: We're so bad ^_^

February 17, 2002

   Dooods! And Dudeeeettes! I found out that I'm going to Las Vegas!!! During spring vacation. This means that I'm going to have to clench my teeth and face all the problems happening to me IN ADDITION to doing those essays at double speed IN ADDITION to keep myself happy with myself. Which ain't gonna happen, but hey, at least I'll try =)

   So if any of you are going through troubling times, or if your boy dumped you, or if your schoolwork is weighting you down and making you sink . . . I probably don't serve as much comfort, but know that you'll survive and you'll make it through, cuz it's just a mind game. If you can control yourself and your emotions, you'll do just fine. But that's the hard part. So at least you're not alone. And if you're low on self esteem, and you feel like you can't make it . . .

   Your heart isn't gonna stop beating anytime soon (unless u do suicide, which you really shouldn't...) so hold your head up high and show em what you've got!

March 3, 2002

   Does anyone still think I am a procrastinator?

   Hello my children (even though most of you are taller than me =P). Nobody can really say I am a procrastinator anymore, because I have more essays than any of you!!! Bwahahaha!! Ok fine. More essays than MOST of you (That Joanna...). Don't ask me where I got the heart to stop procrastinating. Originally, while people like Fuzzy and Ben and Angela had 12, 13, 14 essays, I still had 3 . . . And now look @ me!! I have surpassed them all!!! Bwahahahahaha!! Yeah ok I'll shut up now.

   Anyway, everything is still pretty boring. It's almost bedtime, and I still never changed out of my PJ's! Ahh!!! But oh well. Ooh . . . I watched Princess Mononoke last night. It's the coolest movie!! It's so great! You MUST MUST MUST watch it!! =) Ashitaka and San are soo incredibly cute together! Whatever, now I must play games. Downloaded the damnèd emulator on Friday . . . been wasting time staring at this big hazardous-for-your-eyes-and-health screen ever since Friday . . . it's so hard to break this addiction! Eww. Nite everyone!

March 12, 2002

   I'm sick, and I have to finish this project soon. I'm cold and I feel so weak everywhere. I can't even type properly. I wanna go to sleep. I hate S/E, I hate everything . . .

March 14, 2002

   Speaking of being sick, hahaha, that other night when i stayed up till 1 to finish some stupid WS project, i had a raging fever and i didn't know it. Stupidly, I went to school the next day, which probably made it worse. The doc yelled at me cuz she sed i could have gotten the whole school sick, so much for that. So basically I slept 4.5-5 hours on a night when i had a raging fever without any medicine. Not good. I feel like last year . . . worse than last year . . . when I promised myself I would get myself together and be strong in high school. And this is where it gets me???

March 15, 2002

   Damn you.

March 17, 2002

   Happy St. Patty's Day. Not that it's happy for me, I'm still sick. STILL! Why me?? :'( I am so not going to be able to catch up in certain subjects . . . .

March 30, 2002

   Oh my gosh! It's so beautiful outside today! First I biked for about three minutes. My butt hurt, so I ditched the bike and found other means of staying outside =)

   Then I went outside for a jog with my sister . . . ok ok fine, a run for her, a walk for me =P And at first I had jeans (yep, nice choice of attire right?), a t-shirt, and a gray pullover, but after I lost my sister somewhere in the development =D =D =D I took the pullover off and frolicked about. Then I went home.

   Anyway, everything is pretty good so far in break! Today I was a lazy bum AGAIN and woke up around 12 . . . *sigh* My mom has given up hope on me ^_^ Even though this morning she sent my sis up to my room to scream in my ears (GET UP BIG LAZY TEETEEEE!!!) and do other such things, I never got out of bed =P I admit it. I'm a hopeless lazy bum ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

   Hope you all are having a great time . . . I'm sorry, but it's incredible outside, and even though I haven't done any essays today yet (heehee) I think I'm gonna go out and frolick some more . . . =) Life is good.

April 1, 2002

   Hiya everybuddy. I'm amusing myself over the fact that it's April already. Where did this year go?? I asked my mom about it and she said, "You've been busy." Hell . . . =)

   Time to go . . .

   Happy April Fool's. Be nice. ^_^

April 2, 2002

   It's almost time to leave for the plane to Vegas!! Woohoo!! I'm so excited . . . =P I've never been so far west! Ahh!! Heeheehee. The farthest west I've been is Florida. Oh boy, I'm gonna gain sooo much weight . . . hahaha. I wonder if I'll manage to have at least SOME self control? . . . . . NAHHHH ^_^

   I still have piano lessons, so I'll have to think of a way, FAST, to try and pull them off . . . auditions on April 14th! And I won't practice at Las Vegas, obviously, so the teacher is real worried. Hahaha . . . c'mon, have some faith in me =P

   Bye everyone, have a great time with the rest of the break! And for those of you doing essays . . . ^_^ heeeeehee.

April 9, 2002

   I'm fifteen now.

   For those of you who were nice enough to not bother to even TALK to me on my birthday (much less a "happy birthday tn!") . . . yeaaah to you. From last year and all the years before this year, I really notice a huge difference in my social life. Maybe it's cause I changed, or maybe I'm too used to having people making me feel loved. If you're one of the guys, I'm certainly not a guy and I'll never feel like I really belong with you guys, as great and horrible as some of you are me too.

   But for those of you who really care, even if it only makes me feel so happy for a few minutes, you still did . . .

April 27, 2002

   Springfest was wonderful! It was so cooool . . . all my girls and guys in it, YOU WERE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! Girls: you look beautiful, you look beautiful, you look gorgeous, you look gorgeous . . . love the hair Steph . . . LOL. It was great to see all of you again and hopefully next year I'll see you all the time! Hopefully. Well I'm feeling kinda sick now and I have tons of work to do, so . . . LYLAS/LYLAB! <3

May 2, 2002

   Everything is so jacked up.

   Who knew that things would turn out this way? Why didn't anybody shove this in my face earlier? Those who were once good friends now face me with silence. And the best friends have left me far, far away, all alone to nurse my own wounds. Blind? Are you blind? Or just afraid? They say that if you kill yourself, it'll hurt the people around you beyond imagination. But won't you stand in the shoes of the one who killed themself? Don't you want to know just how much pain they were feeling to make them do it? No, you don't. It's not a one day thing. Every day, they'll think about it. Over, and over, and over . . . Why should I do it? they'll say, I can be strong, I'll be strong they'll think. In the end, they do it anyway. How much pain went into the thinking? How many restless nights crying themselves to sleep, praying that a bright day will greet them in the morning . . . but waking up and feeling worse? How many more nights like such? Better to end it, they say. Here, now.

   No big deal, you say. Get over it, move on, don't think about it, it doesn't matter. What do I get out of this? I get this: you don't care. You don't care enough to say anything except to ignore everything that happened. You don't care enough to give me time to heal, to give me a shoulder to cry on. You don't care enough to not be sarcastic about it, to not be cynical about it. You don't care enough to respond to my pleas with wisecracks and retorts that you think will make you seem smart. Using the pain of others to reap your own benefits? How much lower does it get? I call out to you. But I won't do it forever. Someday, I won't be here to do it anymore.

   I'd wait here solely for you, to know that you care about me like you once did, one and all. I'd stay here and suffer solely because I know you're here, you're here for me. But why aren't you? Where are you now? I'm lost and I'm calling to you. Except I hear no answer. I'm about to give up, to lose hope, to let go of everything. Maybe you'd show up after I'm gone? Will you understand my pain then?

   Nothing is real anymore . . .

   I need to apologize to someone. Mommy. Thank you.

   Do you remember? Virginia asked you to take good care of me.

   =(

May 5, 2002

   Holy crap! I feel kind of good today. The weather isn't nasty, and I just finished my LAST BIO ESSAY!! It's about time it's the last day but at least I still have most of the afternoon to chill, until I realize that I still a lot of work ahead of me to do and a lot of stuff to look over and a lot of piano to practice. And I still have to go shopping for random stuff including something to stuff my bio essays in so Perka will be happy with the organization of my essays, not that he would care much anyway =D.

   Sorry if I babbled. Happiness rarely finds its way into my system these days ^_^

May 6, 2002

   Handing in essays was way too joyful. Unfortunately, we got them back too soon (one period after we handed it in) and now they serve as a daily reminder of just how they used up all my pens (and brain cells) ^_^ See, if I had copied any, they wouldn't have used up my brain cells, would they. But then, those brain cells would be empty . . . no brain cells better than empty ones =)

   I watched Totoro today!! The English version. Almost everyone exclaimed with joy at the sight of Totoro, but later became less joyful as they told me the English version sucked poopies and that I should watch the Japanese version instead. Huh? Anyway, I thought it was great! ^_^ Mei and Sasuki (is that how you spell it?) are so adorable!! But most of all, I love Totoro the best. Heeheehee. It's so great! What a happy happy movie. Time to sleep now, though . . . I was out of it today, walking into the wrong classes, forgetting what I'm supposed to be doing a second after I tell myself I hafta do it, not responding to mockery like I usually do (1-SCREAM 2-BABY i BEAR!!).

   Bonsoir Etoute le monde.

May 8, 2002

   Today I was a silly girl and cried in bio. Perka wasn't there so it was much easier for me to just lose it completely. Somehow I managed to cry the entire period. It was bad. I sat by the window where Barrett usually sits, in front of Andrew who probably didn't want to be stuck in the middle of a group who was being led on by a sad, crying little girl dripping tears onto a dry-clean only shirt. After a few very wonderful individuals talked me through it and made me laugh with all their might, I felt better and vowed that I would not feel sad again, that I would be happy so they wouldn't have to see me like this again.

   And now the strength is fading again. Kenshin is so adorable! I love him! Shame that I have to place my love on a cartoon character. But they are always the best because they always understand you, they won't ever betray you and they'll always be there when you need them. No matter what. Shame on me. I hope that when I grow up I will look back on these days, and these problems and issues and sadness and depression, I will think myself silly.

May 19, 2002

   Here is me! Hello. Since today is Sunday, and I slept most of the morning away (^_^), I'm not particularly tired right now. And that is good, because I have a lot of work to do. Except I'm taking my time doing it, because the last of my worries is time right now. Always procrastinate what you can put off until tomorrow . . . hehehe. Watch me suffer in a few days =P. Now I am doing my English portfolio. I'm some sort of freakish perfectionist, so I have to make it perfect. And creative...!!! Which means I'll probably spend more time cutting things out that actually putting the content together. =D Freakish perfectionist I am.

   Anyway, I got my braces off on Friday. Friday was a half-day, so it was basically "wasted" in NYC at the orthodontist and doing other dinky things. Heehee. NYC is so kewl . . . minus the pollution, of course >_O. The retainer sucks, but I hope I get used to it. I hafta take it out at lunch and put it back in . . .!!! Yew!! I guess I just won't eat lunch from now on =P hee. hee. No actually I'd be hungry then. Hunger is always bad.

   Time for me to clear out some IE windows . . . nitey nite to everyone and those stars outside tonight. . . What stars? Nevermind, there are no stars. Nitey nite to the half moon, then =)

May 28, 2002

   I dragged myself out of bed to go to school today. It's always a chore nowadays. It's not that I don't get enough sleep . . . last year I got less sleep (procrastinated more... =P) but always got out of bed (was tardy a lot more last year, nonetheless). This year is just . . . as Jessilyn puts it . . . "I've been through so much crap this year!"

   When I got home, after I got my shot with Alby at Bayshore (My skin is still purply . . . yewwww), my sister came tumbling into the kitchen with a sanitary napkin (^_^) with papers and appendages attached to it. She held it up to her right ear and screeched, "Call me! Call me! Call me!" to me. Heeheehee. Silly thing ^_^

   And as always I wish I were carefree like her again.

May 30, 2002

   Ben Ben . . . =(

   Ben collapsed his right lung last night. A downright painful experience, but what can I do? I ogled at Frank this morning when he told me Ben was at the hospital, with a collapsed lung and surgery (which was already done, although I didn't know it). I ogled, repeated "Oh, my god" and fled back to homeroom. First period was hell . . . actually, I only attended about 10 minutes of it. I stared at Ben's empty seat next to mine and kept on praying and hoping and asking nobody in particular for him to be alright. Please let him be alright!

   Since I probably already looked sickly and really worried, I asked for a pass to the Office and was granted my request. Upon which I borrowed some coins to make a phone call, but luckily I met Dr. Mennuti on the way and things snowballed from there. Frank got pulled out of his class (US History? Boring stuff) and we started calling hospitals, my mom's workplace (Bayshore), and Frank's house (no one was home). This lasted awhile and my stomach was hurting the entire time, which didn't make things any better.

   Things are just so different without him around! I miss you already =( You WILL get better soon. I'm sorry for all the pain =( =( =( make yourself healthy! Eat more, a lot more! Eat breakfast! Do anything and everything to keep yourself healthy . . . this is my last ditch effort, however absurd, to keep you in my life, and also to keep myself sane. *sigh* *shakes head miserably*

   I was so worried . . . maybe I shouldn't have been because they all told me you were fine . . . but I only become even more worried, nonetheless. I hope you liked the balloons =)

   Get some sleep, precious. I love you. Good night.

June 14, 2002

   Tried cutting myself with that damn spiral wire, except it's too damn blunt and does nothing but make painful scratches. I need something efficient, dammit. Jesus, or maybe just some pills. I don't care what you think, chances are it's not too nice anyway cause you don't have any respect or regard for someone who would resort to this. I'm a coward, right? He's right, I'm a coward. So what?

   I'm sorry for those of you who got upset over me today, I really didn't mean to make you cry. In fact you shouldn't even waste a single moment on me. It's not worth it, trust me, you may be a nice person and think it necessary to try and convince me of one thing or another, but it's better to just leave me here to nurse my own wounds. Or, in my case, end them. Ha!

   I forget what else I wanted to say. So bye now. I don't care if you don't forgive me, I have a way to deal with the anguish and guilt and pain I get from it now. Like I said,

July 30, 2002

   WOW!!! I have not updated in the LOOOONGEST time ... I reread bits and pieces of my last entry and WOW! I was like, extremely depressed and delirious and soooo not thinking straight ... but those days are over. Forever, hopefully >.< I've learned to love the life I have and not try to constantly destroy it ... uh ... yeah, it's more healthy for me that way o_O.

   Anyway, too much has happened since I last updated ^_^. I couldn't possibly tell you everything! CTY happened, life happened, hopes and dreams happened, optimism happened, happiness happened ....... so many wonderful, wonderful things ..... Shall we start with CTY? I met the MOST amazing people. Starting with my roommate .... Esta DARLING xP. You're such a beautiful lil thang!! I LOVE YOU MY HUBBIE!! Keep on singing and don't lose our ring xP xP xP xP xP

   All you funny asses at the meal table ... especially that Wang Ba Dan =D. I'm still mad at Ryan for stealing my camera so many times, and attempting to take silly pics of Alby. But I have to thank him for doing it successfully, too =P My little mei mei's, Sammy & Maryanne ... you two were wonderful company for the three weeks ... singing at quad time, talking on the grass in front of South Ben, and everything else. Classtime! Shawn, my da ge ... even though I didn't like you at first cause you made that HORRIBLE JOKE to me the first day, we cleared it up and now we're cool w/ each other =P. You're so ghetto, hahaha.

   I know I'm forgetting sooo many things, but just know that the people were wonderful, the class was boring as hell and I had to eat so much sugar just to keep my ears open (they close in times of uber-boredom =P), and the 3 weeks were SO MUCH FUN . . . and now it's over *sniff* Everyone must keep in touch!

   So anyway, I volunteer at the hospital every Wednesday and Thursday, so that takes some of my unstructured time and makes it more productive. Even though I finished chem HW early on (like a week after CTY ended), I refuse to start any other summer homework because I simply can't bring myself to have the level of self-motivation that I had when CTY was over. I need to go back next year . . . augh . . . I wanna go to CTY AND China next year, so I dunno what to do =(

   Also, I need to get out of the house. It's too hot outside, however, which sucks. I think I gained back the weight I lost at CTY, and even more. Just great ... haha. Anyway, I'm getting bored of typing ... I used to love wasting my time on this so much, but now it just doesn't appeal anymore. Sorry.

   Oh yeah!! How could I forget!! Ben, that silly thang, collapsed his lung (well, not that he had a CHOICE) RIGHT when I got back from CTY. So it's like, what a warm welcome back, eh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrr. I visited him and watched him suffering, so it sucked and was really depressing, but at least I got to see him =) He's better now, thank God *prays*, and I hope he never collapses his stupid lung again!!! >=O

   I'm going to play piano now, I have lessons today, and they will suck =) I need to get together with friends more often ... augh .... Love! Cheerio my sweeties.

July 31, 2002

   Hey everyone. I saw Jen at Bayshore Hospital today when I went to volunteer. She is so funny! LOL. She had to take some tasks with an 87 year old senior volunteer man . . . and he is really NICE!! Just hard of hearing. HEEHEE. When I saw Jen in the hospital halls, her eyes brightened up and she LUNGED at me ... and almost looked like she was trying to attack me!!!!!! LOLOLOL. She was like, "PLEASE COME WITH ME I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THIS GUY!" heeheehee. I left her to be with the guy =P =P =P I mean, he was really nice!! Just hard of hearing and old ... he was a great person =)

   Anyway, heehee, it was great seeing her again. That, and I'm bored.

August 1, 2002

   August?!

   I don't believe it. Only a month left until school ... the horror! The indignity! Whatever. I don't really care, I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not gonna waste all my time dreading it either ...

   I feel very spiteful and angry right now. I don't really know why!! I got back from volunteering and that was OK, so I don't see why I'm feeling like this ... it probably has something to do with last night, when I was venting out to Aegis. He actually gives good advice now! Semi-good advice. Hahaha, I'm kidding ... it was good advice =P I never thought I'd say this, but thx ......... anyhow, I still feel like a misanthrope (how terrible!!) and most of my actions in the past hour or so have been done out of spite. I think my old attitude is slipping back again. I can't let that happen!!! I hafta be a good person ='(

   Maybe it's time for me to just take a DEEEEEEP breath and STOP staring into the computer, which IS emitting harmful rays, mind you ... and go do something more peaceful, such as playing piano (or banging on piano). You see, banging on piano is for when I'm less ... docile ;D

August 26, 2002

   Yah, so you see, it's not that I've been lazy. The reason that I haven't been updating is quite multifaceted. Multifaceted for a reason, anyways, since my reasons are normally one-fold and has no depth or logic to it. Hahaha. This can be corroborated by Ben Wang, u can contact him through me. xP

   First off, my dad disconnected my Internet for a good while. Originally, I think he was in a bad mood, because I really didn't do anything to piss him off. Later, when I asked him why my Internet wasn't working, he replied, "If you woke up earlier and went for a run every morning, it would work again"

   WTF?

   Anyway. The other reason I haven't been updating is because I found this xanga.com thingie . . . it's quite cute ^_^ I believe it has all the August entries. It's a hell of a lot easier to update (I think...) so I end up just getting lazy & taking the easy way out. Sorry =( Check it out: http://www.xanga.com/teeteerox

   Back to US History I homework ... Hopefully I'll finish by tomorrow, so I can do things that are more fun in the week left of summer vacation. *sigh* Why does time always fly so fast =( =( =(

September 1, 2002

   So I'm through with Summer HW . . . finished it up yesterday morning, right before Ryan's (very late) BDay party!! Details in my xanga I think ^_^

   I would just like to comment, very briefly, that I am officially in deep shizots because school is starting in what, 3 days?????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

   That is all.

September 23, 2002

   Today I completely screwed up. Played this cruel joke on this sweet guy known as my boyfriend. And I didn't even do it on purpose. I was happily munching on Swedish Fish, strolling along, scheming something that would brighten everyone's day and give a good laugh. A good laugh? I got a good laugh, alright, from those people who told me I was a jackass. They actually hit me. People actually hit me.

   So I sorry about everything, you don't understand how sorry I am, the kind of sorry that makes you so sad and feel so horrible. I know I'm fucked up, you don't need to tell me, or tell me otherwise.

   Can anyone stop and appreciate what I've been through and understand how hard it is for me to even step up and make a joke? And my first choice of a joke, once I worked so hard to get out of the FUCKED UP DEPRESSION that I was in, was a fucked up joke that caused others to be shocked, sad, depressed, confused, HURT?!?!? Someday you might be able to get up and rise above it all and realize, just what the hell this Tian character went through and had to do to get out of it? You don't understand! You can't appreciate it, and no matter how much logic you try to slobber all over me, it's not going to help, I can't help but realize that my intentions were not cruel at all but my actions were. So what the hell is up with that? Does anyone have a psychiatrist? I need one.

September 25, 2002

   Even though I'm feeling kind of resentful and sluggish right now, I'm unusually perked up. I will forthrightly say that I hope I have the courage and the willpower to go into school tomorrow (and the days thereafter) and drop all things and just try to reach out and uh . . . make up? Hahahaha. I know it's impossible, yadda yadda, but hey, it'll make me feel better knowing that I tried. Again. Jesus.

   Today was a complete waste of a day, I got home and I felt really horrible, so I ate too much and went straight to sleep. I woke up feeling shitty, so I ate some more. At dinnertime I wasn't even hungry, but I ate dinner anyway, and now I'm eating ice cream cake. MMMMMMMMMMMMM. heavenly sh*t. Uhh . . . what else did I wanna say?

   You know, I really like this, everyone looks at my xanga now and most people don't even know I have a website like this. This place, I can actually write stuff that I'm REALLY thinking. It's always better when people don't know what you're thinking, then they can't take it and twist it and mold it into some evil intention that you don't even mean. Man! I resent that. So anyway, it's probably time for me to do crap, cause I haven't done crap yet today. Life is . . . I wanna say f*cked up . . . but that's being dramatic =O) Mwahahaha. So I'm gonna stick with this: life can only get better from now on.

   That's actually not completely true, but yeaaaahh. =)

October 2, 2002

   K. Was on the phone with Sarah for a good length of time. I've forgotten all about how good it feels to be able to talk to another girl on the phone. Isn't it sad? Oh well, that's life. I think I should smile now. And be happier. If I do that I might be able to influence those around me; make them happier, healthier, less tense and stressed. Do you think I can do that?

   No time to find out, time for homeworkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

November 1, 2002

   Hi. Looks like I haven't been too busy with this site ^_^

   Time really flies, doesn't it . . . gah gah gah, so much has happened, I don't even know what to say. Too much in my head . . . swarming around . . . want to sleep . . . well, I'm going to have a busy weekend. And lately, life hasn't been too swell . . . I mean, school is actually OK (with the exception that I have B's for marking period averages, now, ew) and the friends issue hasn't been resolved but isn't bugging me too much. Actually. That's a lie. The friends issue has been bugging me too much. It bugged me so much that I stopped thinking about it, and now I'm just avoiding the whole problem altogether. It's made me feel so inadequate and confused that I just.. ran away from it, I guess. I feel better when I run away from it. Someday it'll catch up to me. I'm just glad it isn't now, GOD.

   Ben is like . . . not talking to me anymore . . . I thought we would be best friends forever and over the summer we were fine. Then once school started, he iced up on me and we can't carry a normal conversation. I got concerned about our friendship and extremely confused with his actions, so I asked him about it. Then he basically got really annoyed at me, asked me why I was trying to intrude into his private life, etc, etc. I was asking him a damn question that I damn well wanted an answer to! So I didn't get an answer to it, I felt alone in my actions, and he iced up even more on me. So what the hell was this summer all about?? Why the hell would he tell me we'd be best friends and actually look like he meant it?

   Yeah, whatever, this hurts my head a lot and some day I swear I'm just going to stop being strong and logical about this, and start crying. Just like last year. Last year when I fucking cried more than my entire life put together, or no, maybe not, I think I must have cried a lot at home too. Well fuck that. I have Chinese SAT's tomorrow and a piano competition Sunday. I have a lot of studying and a lot of homework to do, so that I can do well this year (first marking period grade doesn't dictate your final average, so *&@# you, you know who you are) and so my GPA won't be pulled down any.

   Then I'm going to find some other fucking high school and go there. Or maybe I'll just drop out of high school and go directly to some music institute. Like Curtis, Curtis sounds nice, I'm willing to put down the time and sacrifice to go for it. I realized I don't hate S/E. I hate the mentality and the personality of many of the people in it. I hate the way they deal, I hate the way they treat me, I hate the way they treat other people, I hate the way they treat themselves. Someday, I'll take my words back because I know I don't mean the "hate", but right now I am a mix of very outraged and indignant and . . . I'm going to go calm down now. Later.