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  1. January
  2. February
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January 1, 2000

   Is it not awkward to know that it's New Years Day of 2001, yet perceive last year as only several hours ago? Is it not?? ~ Fear not, for I did not understand my question either =)

   Well ~ once again, you will find me in a position where I can't find anything to say!!! How did it happen?? I went from being able to update this site (and especially these entries) in the dead of night on some days to updating every week or so, and then ending up having NOTHING to say! Great Czechs, do help me rise from this fathomless pit of nothingness to say!!

   I guess New Years are supposed to bring opportunities for gradual change. (You may now commence an arguing session on the topic of: "Change - Competent or Corrupt?") I don't suppose the 2001 entry will be able to outdo the 2000 entry with regard to size, but let's see if the 2001 entry will surpass the 2000 entry with regard to progression of maturity.

   Time does not wait!!! I've discovered this too many times, and each time I forget about it after I realize; in turn, I have to be reminded OVER and OVER again in less than pleasurable ways. I'll bet you that in no time at all, I'll be hauled off to high school!! (Which one, I have yet to know.) And before long, I'll be driving a car!! (And crashing it everywhere!! Teehee) And of course it's rather useless and even a bit silly to think far ahead into the future, but one day I'll be 50 years old, sticking Skittles into my STRAWBERRY birthday cake, (Don't worry, I'll have it custom made so that it tastes good and at the same time won't make you gain weight!! Hehe), and muttering unhappily about my being "half a century old."

   Don't we all wish we could stay forever young.

January 6, 2001

   Muffkins ennuh pesdakkias!!!! I'm sorry I couldn't write another entry after the one on New Year's Day. Something kept on screwing up, and the text was everywhere!!! After some laborious consultation with my uninformative HTML book, I fixed the stupid problem, and now I can type again, hassle-free = (But you just watch, in a few days, another problem will arise. *sigh*)

   I regret that I couldn't write an entry on the 4th - Thursday. I had a really fun snowball fight after after-school! But now, I can't remember much, and even if I did, I can't describe it "vividly!!!" and I hate when I don't describe things "vividly!!!" Hehe . . . I will tell you, however, that Lemonberri and I went nuts and piled snow on everything, ranging from other people (cough, cough) to my jeans!!! Which made them perdy, right Lemon? Hehe.

   And Fuzzy had "bad aim" (hmph... YEA RIGHT!!) and threw a snowball right into Iceberri!!! If she weren't looking out for her stuff, she would have gone and killed him!!! But no matter, because I took up that job, and I think I did well. *evil cackles*

   Oh, there were tons more that took place in the short twenty minutes or so where we all hung out after after-school, but I can't bring myself to say anything more. And also, I am still recovering from the shock of Chinese School (and a vocab quiz!!), so I must now retreat downstairs to play Majora's Mask (Bright green & Majora's Mask are awesome, Lemon!!!!) while my parents are out shopping. Teehee . . . wickz!

January 10, 2001

   I have decided to update today! Although I still have much HW to do, plus a Chinese Final (or Midterm, I forgot which one) to study for and a bunch of other annoying things to do, I have decided to update!! I think I deserve lots of bags of Skittles for this improved service >=0

   The Guestbook, it is manageable now! But of course, that doesn't mean I'm gonna go manage it. I have lost much of my motivation for updating my poor site, due to several reasons, all of which I will intentionally forget to mention later on. Shall I do a review of the day? Hahaha. Too bad, I want to kill some time before I get going on my Social Studies.

   Nuttin much 1st period. It's second A-day, and I still have computer programming. *gag* I had fun, alright. I drew this face thing . . . and made the mouth move!! Woohoo!!! I'm smart now!!

   French was undoubtedly 2nd period today. It was so boring, it terrified me until my eyelids drooped and my back slumped. Soon, I feel into a deep slumber and dreamed a peaceful reverie . . . . . . . . HAHA YEA RITE! Mrs. White really isn't too bad, at least not to me *cough* so I'm not gonna ramble on about her supposed evilness. But I admit that it was really boring, especially since 2nd period is still down-time for me. (ie: ZZZZ's)

   And next . . . ALRIGHT!! Science is 3rd period. I sigh with relief, for Science is most certainly the class I usually look forward to every day. Today, however, I spent the first few minutes of class completing a section of the test which I had somehow skipped. I don't know how I missed it, or why, but I'm sure it's because I was partially blind that day, and that section happened to rest in the path of my blind spot. =\ Also, did I tell you I LUV Fuzzy's "beeble" pillow?? It is the cutest thing!! Hahaha.

   Art 4th was OK as usual. Nothing interesting ever happens in that class. Today, we got messy, but not messy enough for me to splatter paint everywhere, as I usually do when working with paint =)

   Language 5th. Unlike last year, I like Language Arts this year. Mrs. Richter is so nice (as compared with um, last year's, you know) and she is an awesome teacher. I am striving for a perfect 100 at least one marking period this year. I am aspirational, no? But I hafta work hard for it, which means I shouldn't update too often, because updating takes away time that I could spend studying . . . *whacks myself on the head* How could I say that? Anyway, time is of the essence. And don't argue with me!!!

   In Math, I watched in horror as Mr. Eason passed out the test scrolls. Fine . . . they're not SCROLLS, they're pieces of paper with his yucky handwriting on it. As I stared at the g(x)=f(x-2)+3 and y=-2 horizontal asymptote and x=2 vertical asymptote and (1, 3) hole in the graph and x/y-intercepts and other bla bla bla's, I realized that I had studied five minutes for this test and would not be able to pass it! If I don't go home with at least a 95 this marking period, I am dead!! Absolutely dead!! I will have to sign the report card by myself, and trust me, out of all hellish eternity, that is the LAST thing I want to get caught doing.

   Social Studies wasn't much better. Umm . . . I'd rather not share.

   Ahh, mini-gym B. I hung out in the locker room for half the period, watching as my classmates hovered about the mirror, fussing with their fake hair scrunchies. Personally, I think that's icky. Icky, icky, icky . . . c'mon! Fake hair scrunchies?! Isn't that a slight alteration of the apparatus known as WIGS!!! My generation is just sooooo . . . have-good-taste-ish . . . (I dunno, don't ask)

   Good old Jazz Band rehearsal until 4:15, a rather disorganized array of wanna-be musicians we are, huh? The fundraising chocolate isn't here yet, but I'm trying to make my parents happy (they don't wanna pay . . . who does??) by fundraising as much as possible. This means that my persuasiveness must rise and prevail above my usual unnoticeable silhouette, swishing about the halls . . . wut am I saying.

   A rather uneventful day, as you WILL recall, (this is a command, if you're wondering) last year's entries were SOO much more interesting! Of course, a lot of those entries got me in quite a bit of hot water *chuckles* so I'm kind of avoiding that latter this year . . . the result?? Uneventful, mundane happenings. I trust that by the end of this month, I will have MANY interesting things to say. All for the better, non? Me sparra, talka sparra langa, 'gree certainee. Non, Lemunberra? =

January 11, 2001

   Mathcounts results came down today, for the rest of us who aren't genius enough to make the team. This applies only to me, though.

   I dunno what it is, maybe I was having a bad day, maybe I didn't get enough sleep, (is 6 hours enough?) maybe I was too nervous, maybe it was a million other things. But, I did horrible! I got like, three correct on the first page, hehehe. THREE!! Personally, I find that very disgusting and horrendous. Maybe I'm not studying hard enough! Yes, that's it! If I would just STOP going on AIM so much and STOP surfing the Internet so much and STOP this and STOP that, maybe I would actually be proud of myself in something! Maybe! Do you think it's worth a try????

   Don't you hate when I do this? Don't you hate when I am all dejected and depressed and I insult myself for "no good reason" as you all tell me and try to comfort me as your compassionate and understanding souls find it necessary inside of you to do . . . don't you hate when I scream in your face that YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!! and that you have no FRICKIN clue what's going on and what's happening?? I know you hate it, because I do too. And yet I still do it, and yet I still do it. As much as I hate being the way I am now, it still happens to me, and that's what causes more rash irritation inside of me. I must have contracted multiple personalities when I was little. I chicken-fight myself over the stupidest things, and I won't let go of a viewpoint once I'm stuck in an argument with myself, and the worst part about having an argument with myself is that there is no way to stop it. Ah, the joy.

   I really should finish my science labs, and I really should start studying for the test tomorrow, I really should practice piano too, and study for Chinese, and get off AIM!!! So I will. Here is a test of sheer willpower . . .

January 12, 2001

   God must be playing tricks on me! I am definitely at the end of my wits. I never burst into tears for no reason, (those of you in my 3rd period class should know what happened) and I never get pulled into a teacher's room because of my sudden outburst of tears. I'm glad none of you were in my 4th period class. I was a mess 4th period; luckily for me, I got my act together and forced myself back into acceptable shape by 5th period. Certainly I would not have wanted to go to math class looking like a crumpled, defeated, helpless child. I hate that.

   I already failed a test today, and the year hasn't even reached its midpoint!!! A very easy test did I kill, or so everyone else says [about the test being easy]. And I agree. It WAS easy. All the same, I did terrible on it . . . this isn't one of those times where I get a 98 and I start complaining about how stupid I am. This isn't one of those times where I miss the bonus and start complaining about how dumb I can be. This isn't even one of those times where I get an 80 on a math test due to silly and avoidable mistakes, a thought which can only make me angrier, so I won't elaborate on that. This is one of those times where, on a 13 or 14 question test, I got over half of them wrong. Also . . . keep in mind that everyone (except for a minority of my friends, who decided that they should keep it to themselves) said it was easy. Greg Yen, mind you, was even nice enough to keep on reiterating that it was a really easy test! And I'll say it again! It was!!!!!!

   I know you expect me to be over with this. This happened many, many hours ago. But I cannot. The most horrible things are happening to me. Why? Is God playing tricks on me, or am I just playing tricks on myself? Haven't I been tricked enough in the long, hard years I've spent on the face of this Earth? I don't deserve this! From the looks of it, I won't have much longer to live, anyway!! By the time I am eighteen years old, ready to go to college, I probably will have died from sheer anger!!!

   Now that I have vented some of my frustration out, I feel a little better. Thank you for keeping your temper throughout my brutally honest admittances - if you have, that is. Ahem . . . I asked for a retest from Mr. Van, and he was pretty cool about it, even though he replied, "I'll have to look at your test first". Low self-esteem? How about none at all?

   I really can't afford to end on such a terrible and depressing note. Everything makes me angry. Normally, I would wave it off as another joke or another insane pest who has nothing better to do save for irritating their peers. But now, it makes me angry. Angry, mad, hurt . . . all I feel is bitter resentment. Regrets . . . Oh, shut up!!!! Why are you doing this to yourself?? It's not like you're a helpless thing, you know, you have a brain inside of your skull and I know you can use it! You have to see past all this junk, all this muck in the water that's causing you to slow down. When you slow down, you start sinking, that's what happens! See what you've let all these barriers and hindrances do to you? You're not a stupid girl, you're not hopeless, you're not unskilled or untalented or ungifted or un-blablabla! You're everything you want to be, but wade across this billshut in your way first!!!!! Amen. Maybe my weekend will be better.

January 14, 2001

   The ortho appointment scheduled for today which I underwent several hours ago didn't yield as painful a resolution as it usually does. However, I don't like it just the same. I had to get rubber bands. They are sooo conspicuous that I cannot open my mouth without having people think "She looka likka vampira!!!" Hahahaha . . . perfecto timing, Mr. Ortho!! (I forgot his name) And the worst part is, I don't even get a color choice. It's just a dull, rubber-colored rubber band =(

   I have to go to the library in fifteen minutes since I have resolved to not wait until the LAST MINUTE to do my National History Day work. =. This resolution is not working too well, though . . . but at least I am trying!! So there. Also, I realize that other than this page, I don't bother to update anything ELSE at all. The MMS page is outdated and so are most of the other out-datable links =. I think that, after I take the SATs on the 27th, I will update the Report Card link in the MMS section. February 5th is when 2nd Marking Period report card grades are supposed to be issued, so I'll update around there. Happy, you guys?!? Ok GOOD. Stay that way.

   By the way, I just downloaded Endless Waltz (White Reflection) from Gundam Wing on Napster . . . I don't know why, bored I guess. I think it's really good! It doesn't have any words, but I like the music! If anybody has Napster, send me your username and I'll add you to my Hot List. That way, if you're online, I can bug you for your files ;.

January 20, 2001

   I love when you love somebody, and they love you back. It gives you such a warm, cozy feeling inside. It lets you know that life is worth living and just in case your foundation crumbles, you'll have someone to hang onto no matter what happens.

   SATs in a week.

January 21, 2001

   AHHH, I am fed UP with life. I want to take a break, but I'm afraid that if I demonstrate even the slightest slack, I will lose the last of my inner competency. That is not good, and I do not want that to happen. Shall we surmise, then, what will happen if I DON'T take a break? If I don't take a break, I will lose the last of my inner competency anyway. So what shall I do? What do you suggest that might save me from myself without involving fifteen million different people?

   I just d/l on Nappy a new song from Christina & Rrricky Martin, called Nobody Wants To Be Lonely. I'm listening to it right now (Put it on repeat forever) and I think that I like this song. And I ask myself, what am I doing, writing this entry? Over and over again I tell myself to get my work over with, and then I can rest and kill time and do whatever I used to be able to do. What I used to be able to do, before this evil world turned on me and before I just let loose and watch it happen, silently, inanimately.

   Fools, fools of this world!! Abduct me now and transport me to Mars or something, where I can quiet down, shut up, and be able to think freely without having the fools of this world exert any pressure upon me!!!! The use of exclamation marks cannot even begin to express my bubbling rage!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On the subject of my Mr. Hot-Hot-Hot Mad Skillz-With-a-'Z' Chinese Yo-Yo Teacher, and in regards to last night's AIM fight, I recall that I was told that I "misunderstood" Mr. I-Know-It-All-And-I-Am-Never-Wrong-And-I-Am-All-Superior-And-No-One-Can-Be-Better-Than-Me! So, Mr. I-Know-It-All-And-I-Am-Never-Wrong-And-I-Am-All-Superior-And-No-One-Can-Be-Better-Than-Me! starts taunting me with his bitchy protg about my Mr. Hot-Hot-Hot Mad Skillz-With-a-'Z' Chinese Yo-Yo Teacher. In the midst of all this, I supposedly "misunderstood" his witty remarks, and began to supposedly "overreact". And, I suppose, this signals only the beginning of my scandalous high school experience at S/E in the event that I choose to go and undergo a scandalous, juicy, malicious 4 years at S/E.

   This week has been horrible, as the past few weeks have been. Next week, unfortunately, will be no better. Shkrittles, I'm losing it. When do I get my break from life? Do I get it at all?? If I do get a break, what's the price I gotta pay?

   And do I wanna pay it?

   SATs in 6 days.

January 22, 2001

   I made good use of my time today . . . in comparison with the odds and ends of the past few weeks anyway. Lemonberri was and probably still is ill today!!! Poor alien of mine *sniffle* I hope you get better real real soon!! As in, by 10:45:56 PM tonight!!! Feel better =)

   Only too distinctly do I remember this very day, last year. January 22, 2000 ~ It was the day of the SATs. Since that day, so much has changed! My scores introduced me to the world of teenagers who worry about their SATs scores to the point where the big fat SAT book(s), SAT prep courses, and computer programs intimidate them in their already disturbed sleep. My scores presented me with the opportunity to go to CTY . . . and the fact that I accepted this opportunity opens up only a million more possibilities, each of which branches off further into the channels of space.

   Timeless! That three and a half hours lost in the myriad of time - your lifetime - could count as such a crucial part of your future career and success is absurd! I think that this is an absurd way to measure and project someone's current ability and future ability in college!! Well-to-do, then, that it is so widely used and accepted as a standard, an ever-increasing standard today. I fear that there will be no Joan of Arc to lead us through this time. So I propose that we each lead on!! Lead on, and be the Joan of Arc within ourselves, each of us, as individuals! Prove to the evil ancestors and their equally heinous ETS board members that separate individuals may unify and act!


   Now that I am done exerting the excess energy inside of me, which may be accredited to the chocolate that I ate myself when I'm supposed to be selling it to others, I feel the need to reiterate the fact that Napster IS indeed heavenly . . . but only second to the Lord . . . who made Napster possible!!! Hahaha. Ahh . . . the sounds of Mudvayne . . . LOL Ben!!! I'm under yo influence! ; Oh, btw, if any of you have Napster, go download Intermission by Tool!!! Listen to it . . . ALL of it, and tell me if it isn't the coolest intermission ever!! And don't argue with me. It's an intermission, not a song! Intermission:song, intermission:song . . . there IS a difference. Heh. That's right, I'm InSaNe!

   SATs in 5 days.

January 24, 2001

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

   Year of the Snake, baby! Besides Chinese New Year, it's also Ben's 14th birthday, so Happy Birthday!

   Got home from Jazz Band practice at around 5:30. The bus ride was so boring that I fell asleep during it all, which didn't really interfere with anything since I was the last person to be dropped off anyway. I heard from Lemonberri that her Math midterm was somewhat difficult in the fact that there wasn't adequate time to check things over, and she advised me to solve everything carefully the first time around. So thanx for the tip, Lemon = And once again . . . throughout all the coughing and sneezing and runny nose and scratchy throat, you gotta feel better! And take the coughing medicine even if it's yucky. Hehe.

   SATs in 3 days.

January 27, 2001

   So, you want to know about SATs. I'll start by saying that I have at least one incorrect sentence completion, one incorrect math comparison question, four incorrect verbal analogies (three I omitted . . . hehehe), and a bunch of other incorrect incorrectities. How was I supposed to know that the word "gait" refers to the manner in which someone walks or moves their feet?!? Goodness be!! But anyway, if you want to know how I did . . . . . . then . . . .

   What in the name of Holy Skittles is there to know? By now, you should have at least a faint idea that I am horrible at test taking!! LOL . . . and that I ALWAYS do terrible on these tests. My nature simply won't allow me to do well on these important tests . . . you know . . . to make it less VERBOSE, (a word which appeared in one of the questions in the critical reading passages!!!) Alright, I know I got better than my unspeakably crappy score last year, but by how much, I dunno. I'll be happy if I get a . . . get a . . . over an 1150!!!!! Hahahaha . . . =

   Bye now, I need to sleep.

January 28, 2001

   My head really hurts, so I apologize for my stoic rants and raves ahead of time. Yesterdie's Chinese New Year Party was so good! SATs sucked! Today sucks too. Bye.

February 2, 2001

   I should be sleeping!! So . . . oops . . . in case you don't remember, I've got the High Tech entrance exam tomorrow!! And I'm tired, and I should be sleeping!! So . . . oh well. = It's not like I'm gonna go. I mean, I don't want to. And of course, I'm not gonna make it . . .

   Aiiiight, time for shoutouts! Special special special: Shoutouts to mon petit ami (Aren't you? Hehehe!) ~ mah Mr. Mad-Skillz-With-a-Z!!! LOL . . . I can't put the "Hot-Hot-Hot" part on b/c that's reserved for THAT GUY. You remember him? . . . . Teehee, no, I'm j/k.

   If for some reason Lemonberri, Blueberri, Iceberri, or any other of my girlfriends are reading this . . . I was just joking about the mon petit ami part. I was just . . . well I'm not joking, I don't think, perhaps, but please don't kill me just yet, ok? I can explain to you guys later. After my explanation, you may do whatever you want to me. Slay me . . . and of the sort =

   But you guys will understand, and won't slay me, would you? (Of course NOT!!!) Maybe a couple of bruises here and there . . . oh look at the time! G'nite.

February 3, 2001

   Back from High Tech exam! I say, they were too boring to express in words. Gah . . . especially the math section!! They must think of us as dummies. One of the problems was, "What is (-6) multiplied by (8)?" I know! The answer is (+2)!!! Gee. I don't remember exactly which answer choices they gave, but some of them were answers you would get if you added them. Or added them wrong. Oh dear. They must not realize that most of us in 8th grade can add. Note that I put most. =

   Me gots nothing more to say, reallie . . . well, falselie, cuz I'm gonna say some more nothing more to say. Tonight, my piano teacher is forcing me to New York City to watch a piano performance by an old, world-renowned piano player. I foresee a boring night . . . so bla. Right now, I need to get my homework done so that later, I might catch some of my friends online. My cable is working again!!! Wee, wee, wee!!! Cause yesterday it didn't work, and I wanted to go online oh-so-desperately that I used dial-up connection. Which was horrifyingly slow now that I've been spoiled, hehehe.

   So I guess this is Cheerio for now. I kind of lost my literacy, so whatever I say doesn't sound too interesting anyway. I'd do anything to get my speech mannerisms back, but they're gone! O Speechie Mannerismzzz, O Holy Onezzzzz, Where Art Ttttthou?????? *sniffa, sniffa*

February 9, 2001

   Doh . . . yes, I've been pretty forgetful lately. But not enough to cram in a last minute message which none of you will read until the object of the message is already over with. Which makes this message pointless, in a way. But anyway!!

   My Mathcounts ladies (The Two of You!!!!! Lemon-Ice!) and gentlemen (Ben, Greg/Fuzz, and of the sort) ~ GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK BONNE CHANCE GOOD LUCK BONNE CHANCE BONNE CHANCE BON VOYAGE GOOD LUCK BONNE CHANGE BON VOYAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I luv all of you beyond words . . . so you all better put your potential into full-fledge mode tomorra and win home those trophies after trophies!!! Each one of you has the ability to amaze those Mathcounts veterans and go onto nationals! Except maybe Alan. But . . . LOL!!! I am jk jk jk jk!! Hehe ~ I think. =\ I know all of you are getting sufficient ZZZ's to revvvvvvvv up for tomorra, unlike moi, cuz I have no competition tomorra!! Unfortunately, Chinese School takes the place of the competition that I would have been in had I scored highly enough on the Mathcounts tryouts. *cough* Now . . . onto other subjects.

   But there ARE no other subjects! I wouldn't have written an entry today had it not been for my remembrance of the great Mathcounts competition tomorra. So once again, good luck!!!! No matter what happens, I'll be soo proud of all of you. Except maybe Alan. Haha . . . no, I won't start. Good night, even though you guys are all fast asleep by now, (I should be going soon) and let your brain cells guide and propel you through the masses of competitors. Survival of the fittest. =

February 10, 2001

   Before I begin a short account of my current conflict, shall I testify to today's happenings? While I was in Chinese School, staring out the window half asleep and not paying attention to the incessant droning of the teacher, the Mathcounts competitors, competitive as they are, were competing at some "Bell Atlantic place," to quote Ben. You guys did well!! Lissa placed 3rd in individual . . . Ben 5th . . . Jen 6th . . . Alan 7th . . . Ryan 8th . . . and the Fuzzy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . =

   They scored home a 2nd place team trophy (There was a trophy, right?) which is really really good!!! I'm really proud of all of you, especially Fuzzy, because I'm sure he tried his best. Hehe.

   And I? I am bored out of my mind, my head hurts, and I want to go to sleep but it is too early. Only 9:15. Argh!!!! NHD!!!!!!! Completion of the stupid project should be by Monday, that's when it's due. And guess what! I haven't even managed to spit out the outline yet. Doh . . . as revolutionary as Gandhi was, his life and philosophy and events are too many and much too confusing for me to follow in a matter of mere hours. So much respect to you, Gandhi, "Father of the [Indian] Nation", but you are destructing my life and eating away at it, bit by bit. As I sit here and atrophy, silently, incomprehensibly, I still wonder what the doctrines of swaraj and swadeshi are. Err . . . maybe starting this earlier would have been a good idea, but too late now! Oh, I say, my procrastination will surely kill me one day.

   Because what goes around comes around. And I don't kill this bad habit soon . . . it'll kill me. Now!!! Back to NHD!!!!

February 11, 2001

   Each time I run out of things to say in my paper, I realize that I resort to playing Solitaire. And I am running out of things to say a lot today. Every three minutes or so. Therefore, every three minutes or so, I minimize the word processor window and start playing Solitaire on the computer. This way, I am getting absolutely nothing done. =

   Hey . . . this happened last year too!! Dj vu, man, dj vu. Hehehe.

February 18, 2001

   In a few minutes, my parents will be bugging me to go to sleep. This long weekend was terribly, horribly boring. I just went through some of my old email at my peacegurl87 account and read through them. All those emails that I saved ranging from a couple of years ago because they were so interesting, funny, informative . . . just downright special. And . . .

   I realize that I miss Steve Ho a lot. One of his most recent ones is dated to nearly a week ago, and I suddenly get the feeling that I'm losing touch. I still remember, it used to be me, Steve, and Steve in the summer, borrowing each other bikes, and riding to the playground in our development. I'd always steal Steve Ho's bike because Steve Lee's was too small ~ so Steveo (Steve Ho) would take one of Steve Lee's bikes, and Steve Lee would either be made to walk or to borrow a huge bike from his father which he could never ride anyway. I remember water gun fights, where they would team up against me, those unfair gits! But I loved them so much as did they even though we rarely talked about it, and when we did, it would be one of those days when the sun was just right and everything seemed perfect just the way it was.

   We'd be on Steve Lee's driveway, they'd be playing basketball and I'd just sit on the ledge and watch them. Just the three of us - me, Steve, and Steve. This was quite some years ago, but I still remember it so clearly. There weren't any pressures on us, we were still little kids, and especially them, since I was the oldest one in there! And a girl too, but it didn't seem to matter to them. That meant so much to me. It helped me carry through with what seemed to be a drab patch of events sewn together to form life.

   Once Middle School settled in, with its new, fresh excitement and its new, fresh faces, everything just changed. Everything became bleak again, although I never would have imagined it so. I had so much fun in Middle School. There was the independence; the greater variety of people; more friends, more everything, and lockers which we could mess around with provided we had the initiative to! I put out of my mind the summer I had spent, and although I still kept in touch with them through email, it was so different. Eventually, the volume of emails would dim. They had their lives; I had mine.

   Eighth grade would have been a whole new beginning. Steveo and Steve were both going to attend Marlboro Middle School. They'd both be on my bus. I'd see them in the hallways and everything . . . provided that they take French too, that'd give us something to talk about! We were already used to each other, the word 'stranger' didn't even take on any meaning. Everything was as perfect as it could be! All until the day Steveo announced that he was moving. Moving! To none other than Arizona, spanning almost to the other side of the country! Time differences! I couldn't call him if I wanted too, not unless he was to wake up early, or I was to stay up late. And besides, our parents didn't really know each other. It was just us three.

   Ever since, the seamless bond between the three of us ripped open and hasn't stopped ever since. The more time that passes, the more things that happen to us, the more we'll forget each other. In contrast, what once meant so much to me now means very little, unless I stop to seriously think about it like I am now. And even now, as much as I hate to admit it, I can't seem to recall the ferventness which I once regarded them with. They were what you can call "true friends," inseparable, there when you need them. It was too good to be true, as I now realize, and I never should have let that gap open any further than it was.

   The link that once bonded us so closely hasn't been broken just yet. But it's been stretched so far.

February 22, 2001

   Snow!!!! Snow!!!! Snooooow!!!!!! Gotta love snow =

   Me gots nothing else to say today other than the fact that it should keep on snowing!!! Why has it stopped!!! Keep on snowing!!!!!! Also, we took NJML two days ago, and I did terrible on it. But I don't give a shkittles about it, I wasn't exactly awake at 7:55 in the morning anyways. I will be happy if I get above a 30 this year =) Mathcounts has taught me many lessons! Hahaha. . . as a matter of fact, it's taught me lessons in all subjects but one, and that's math.

   One other thing which I feel is crucial for the good of the cause ~ (the cause being one person) Jay is now my equal status, and I have officially decided his new ranking, as stated: Erstwhile-Slave-Who-Volunteered-Himself-Into-Slavery-But-Is-Now-Legally-Emancipated I mean, come on!! Wouldn't Mrs. Gallo be sooo proud?!? And also, I have to tell you, I'm very good at Solitaire now, I spend sooo much time playing it everyday. It hurts my eyes though. =\

February 28, 2001

   Since it's the last day of February, and tomorrow is the first day of March (duh), I thought I might squeeze in another entry =) If I said I was going to take a lot of time out and update this Grand Ol' Opry equivalent, then I was wrong. I'm done with all my homework except for reading SS, Chapter 16 Section 4. And it's only 9:20. For a change, I'm going to get sufficient sleep. Last night, I got about 8! Eight whole beautiful sufficing hours!

   No matter what, I'm not giving up on this place. I spent waaay too much time on that 2000 entry . . . haha, if you aren't one of my good friends who have to wait minutes (literally) for that page to load up so you can read the latest entry, then I say, you are missing out on a great deal!

   I hope all of you are ok = and that life is fine and dandy for you. (Oh, and if not ~~ JOIN THE CLUB!!!) I still can't find my N64 or my two Zelda games!!!!! I am ready to blow, and I would, except I am working on improving my paranoid nature. (that is, work towards being LESS paranoid . . . . NOT MORE!!!!! GEEZ!!!!!!) Hehehe. Mathie league people . . . you ladies and men are awesome!!!!!! 8th Grade: 1-Corey, 2-Lemonberri!!!!! 3-Ben, Iceberri!!!!!!, and ..:~*Strawberri*~:.. See I'm more special than you guys, so I get the extra adornments = hehe jk. Anyway, I forgot the 7th grade winners, but I do know that Kevin Wu got 3rd!! Let's go Kev! Even though I barely know you, I think our little rendezvous at the piano teacher's house was enough . . . isn't that right . . . ;

   I can't believe it, time really flies around here! The commencement of tomorrow means that all in all, there's less than 4 months of school left! We're through with more than half the school year!!!! Woooaghhh!!!! LOL . . . that is, a blend between "Woohoo!!" and "Aghhh!!" I'm woohoo-ing b/c, well, why else? No school =) But then again, I'm aghhh-ing b/c I'm gonna miss all of you in high school so much, and our cherished MMS days, where my 8th per. babes skip gym class with me, are over =( Before I start sobbing away, I'll seize the night and catch some ZZZ's!!! (I've decided to read SS tomorrow morning, on the bus, following Lemonberri's unwise example, hehehahahahaaa. *cough*) G'bye!!

March 3, 2001

   Oops, I forgot to update on March 1!!! Teehee . . . I'm very forgetful. Actually I don't have much to say. I never do anymore. Have you noticed? Chinese School was pretty boring, I don't remember anything at all. Which is probably why I never get 100 on tests, ever. =)

   I recently did horrible at piano lessons, and was banned from AIM for a period of about a week, but now I can go on again! I still can't find my N64 or either of my Zelda games. I intend to resolve this before spring vacation. Because I probably won't have anything to do during spring vacation.

   Oh, btw!!! I made High Tech!!!!!!!! So did Lissa, that reallie reallie smart hun!! (Hehehe) And Geo . . . and Alan . . . I hope Learning Center acceptance letters come soon. I hope . . . that I made S/E. =

   I g2g, bye!!!!!

March 9, 2001

   As always, I choose 11:00 PM at night to update =)

   Today's been a long day. Several things . . . no Mr. Eason in math class today!!!! Hahaha . . . we had a really cute blonde-haired, blue-eyed sub. He looks like he's a high schooler himself . . . he's got an earring on his right one =) Anyway, some kid in my math class - one of the juniors who are completely failing out, I presume - stole and destroyed the lesson plan for our 6/7 class!! Haha . . . basically, I get away with not doing any of the assigned assignments. Of course, I know I'm gonna hafta make it up sooner or later. But it's a Friday . . . loosen up!!

   This afternoon at 4:30, it was snowing while the sun was out and blazing. SNOWING. Did anyone notice? It stopped after a minute or two, though. I was playing piano at the time, and I got bored after repeating a long song four times consecutively, so I kind of got up, turned around, and stared out the window for awhile. During this while, I suddenly noticed white flakes floating to the groudn . . . I stared awhile longer, and realized it was snow!! Haha . . . seriously, did anyone notice?! I have never seen anything of the like in all my years!! I've seen it rain when the sun was out . . . never has this rain been replaced by snow. Until today. =

   Before I leave to finish up my Chinese HW (Procrastination. 'Nuff sed) I'd like to say something else. Laurissa has the state Mathcounts competition tomorrow. Without saying it excessively, I just wanna wish you GOOD STELLAR EXCELLENT NEOPIANLICIOUS EXCELLENT EXEMPLARY BODACIOUS LUCK!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what you get, I will be so proud of you all the same. Love ya 4ever . . . like you sed =)

March 10, 2001

   Woohoo!! Today's such a different day. First off, I had Chinese School in the morning. Boohaha. It was rather mundane as usual. It was after Chinese School that everything else happened . . .

   I come home and prepare for Lemonberri's lil sis's 10th bday party. So . . . BoN AnNiVeRsAiRe, you lil cheeky hun!!!! And I know you don't take French [yet] so to be hospitable, I will translate. Happy Birthday =D

   The one day where I am not at home to check mail, the mail I am looking for comes. In this case, it would be Learning Center Acceptance/Rejection Letters. So after a bit of probing, I heard from the grapevine that YES! S/E LETTERS ARE RECEIVED TODAY!!!!! Wahahaha. I must have screamed my head off =D

   Fortunately for the unfortunate people around me who had to endure my excited, rather high-pitched (but temporary) screaming, I calmed down (after awhile . . . heh heh heh) and called home. I hate having people open my letters . . . but . . . it's not I had a choice this time! I picked up the pretty Hello Kitty phone and dialed my home phone number without Lemonberri's help. If you don't understand what I mean by this statement, allow me to explain. (HEHEHEHE) In the past, Lemonberri has always suffered from temporary lapses of amnesia *cough cough* and has asked me many times what her own phone number is. Teehee. Isn't she the best?? (Rhetorical question . . . the intended/correct/obvious answer is: YES!!!!!!)

   Later, with both Jennifer and I on the verge of insanity, (from excitement and in her case, disappointment) we went to Charlie Brown's =D Last time I went, Lissa and I shared a so-called "medium rare" filet mignon. It was rock solid. *shuddering* Even the forks couldn't spear it!!! Geez. I ate the caesar salad instead =

   Now that I am being forced off of the computer due to the time of day that I am currently residing in, (bla) I must wrap everything up. Today has got to be one of the most enlightening, if not drastically different, days of my life. Considering that my "normal" 8th grade life is usually spent at home, either wasting my life away on AIM, (*cough*) doing homework, or some other thing. Occassionally do I go outside and do something for the entire day =D The bowling was awesome!! I rule!!!! The first round, I must have gotten 6 gutter balls in a row. *chuckles* But later on, I got better, and was even beating out Jennifer, Da Master!! But luck wasn't on my side, and they stopped us in the middle of the game!!! >=O Just when I was getting mah 15 minutes of fame!! Argh . . . o well. =)

   But the highlight of the day is probably the Learning Center letters. And I bet you can figure out by now why they are the highlight of the day . . .? I'll keep you people updated =)

   Cheerio, hunnies! G'nite.

March 24, 2001

   How ironic of me, of the 24 hours in a day, to choose 4:00 AM as a session of agonizing realization. Each year, I climb out more and more on the limb of the tree with a poor, precarious foundation. Last year, the worst times were staying up to complete Language Arts assignments, courtesy of Mrs. Buck. At the latest, 1:30 AM. This year, the worst time so far was staying up to complete my National History Day project, where I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to preen and polish my paper to perfection. (and a poor job I did)

   All until today. Mother compares me to the unhealthy, dead-looking grass outside in the backyard, and even so, the unhealthy, dead-looking grass wins the contest against me in her eyes. I wouldn't accredit it so much to my not eating properly, because I do! You just don't know, you just happen to see the times when I refuse to eat tons and tons of food! But perhaps I could blame a majority of this deadness on my sleep deficit. Err, yes. A sleep deficit.

   To make a long story short, and a short story in a nutshell, I haven't been getting sufficient sleep . . . oh, let's say, ever since the commencement of 8th grade. And no, no, no, this is only 8th grade! What am I to do in high school, and in college, if I haven't died from poor immunity or whatever by then?

   Of course you know that we as students of MMS must rise and shine sometime around 6:30 AM each day for school. Yesterday was Friday. I rose and shone aruond 6:30 PM yesterday. Today is Saturday. 4:00 AM, Saturday, and I could plop myself down in my bed and snooze for the next four hours, but I can't! These stupid Social Studies essays! If I don't finish at least another essay, I'm so dead! One thing I hate about myself is that I have too much dignity. I care too much about the he said she said you said about me. This is my first time ever pulling a REAL all-nighter, certainly not an accomplishment in the eyes of a SANE person, but nobody ever said I am still sane at this hour! I will certainly die in Chinese School today, and I will certainly die much earlier if I attend dance class and jump around flexing those limbs on a dizzy, tired, burnt out head of mine. And oh! I foresee more work! For I am still on my SECOND essay, in contrast to the little lie that I told everyone else at school today. I despise battles. I despise the Civil War. And I would like to say, "Courtesy of Mrs. Gallo." but that wouldn't be fair, now would it?

   All this suffering of mine is courtesy of a girl named Tian. Isn't she the best?

April 1, 2001

   'Tis the first of April! It is almost midnight, and as I am rather tired *snores* and still have homework yet to be completed in three subjects as well as a couple of tests/quizzes to study for, (or maybe not, maybe that is what the bus ride is for) I shall leave! Just wanted to drop by and announced the beginning of April . . . A lil over 2 months, and 8th grade will VANISH LIKE THE SMOKE! And after that begins 4 years of um, anything but pleasure, and after that? Lord knows =)

April 15, 2001

   Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

   Catchy line of the month. Christina, Mya, Pink, Lil' Kim, and maybe some other peeps that I forgot >>> Lady Marmalade =) <<>>

   So it's the last day of spring vacation 2001, 8th grade! Also known as Easter. YuPPz, HaPpY EaSTeR! Gotta love weekends, it's a sleepfest for me!!! I spent this spring vacation searching for myself (Yoohoo! Where are you?) and I have not succeeded (Ha!) but at least I feel a lot better =) Gots lotsa sleep, and I DON'T have science symposium to worry about cuz I'm not doing it until a few days before May 22 =D >> NAH don't worry, I won't leave it until that desperate day. Mmm . . . I'm feeling guilty, I'm eating chocolate . . . sis was kind enough to bring some home from church (I haven't gone for months, tsk tsk, bad girl) and I'm kind of just forgetting about losing weight and indulging in the moment. Haha, regrets later shall be worried about . . . later.

   Didn't get to do too much shopping for new stuff during vacation, mommy and daddy work quite hard and don't have much time =) I went to Guess? USA and got a really kewl dress. It's a tie-dyed magenta, velvety material, and I really really like it though it's kinda strappy. Yuppz, strappy! I'm planning on bringing it to CTY, (ahem. ahem.) but we'll see, because I'm not wearing anything strappy until I lose that weight! Which reminds me, maybe I should stop eating the chocolate now . . . . hehehehe =D

   Also, I am EXTREMELY proud of myself. I got new PJs, and they are printed all over with . . . none other than . . . STRAWBERRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also got a pair of really awesome shorts (yuppz, they're short shorts *sigh* >> Where do you find long shorts??????? No respectable store sells long shorts for juniors anymore!!) and guess what!!!!! It's got a strawberry printed on it too, with a rhinestone stuck in the center for extra *SpArKlE*. Unfortunately they are made for 12 year olds, and if you're a girl, you know how small a size 12 is >> =). So this way, I have to lose a WHOLE LOT of weight. And from what happened this past year, I'm not gonna do that by starving myself!!!!!!!!! I realize that the only thing starving yourself will do is >> make you ditzy, overly self-conscious, EXTREMELY unhealthy, and whether you agree or not . . . it makes you less smart. Believe it or not, my brain is going doooown because of what I did to myself, you know, that whole "I won't eat!!!!!!" episode. If you STILL think I am starving myself, eat this! I am STILL eating the chocolate. Geez. >.<

   3 weeks until the trip to Virginia! I think we are gonna suck, but *laughs airily* who knows? Now I have some homework to do before school starts again (heeheehee!) so I better get going now. *choking on chocolate* Mmmph! Grrruullp, grruullp, nreed wrrrotter grotta gwo!!!!!!!!!!! Brruh brrye!

April 22, 2001

   Hi babez!!! Whew!!!!!! I haven't updated in ages!!!! In this case, ages being a week, but . . . it feels like a long time. The weather's actually pretty warm today!! Mid-70's I say . . . whoa, the treesies are budding again and the floweries are starting to wake up!!! Yay!!!!!! I love warm weather!!! Of course, at this comment I must apologize (beaucoup) to my friendz like Lemonberri =( and Iceberri =( who probably REALLY like winter. Or at least, snow.

   Erm, too much happened and as much as I feel compelled to relate it all, I can't seem to. *whimpers* Anyway, yesterday was Peachie's 14th B-Day . . . . so a happy birthday to her!!! Of course she DID have a happy bday. The party was pretty cool =D Especially pouring water on me LIZ u jerk ;) Ok so, people, the discussions about the 8th grade dance were pretty nice =)

   Finally . . . I got the CTY confirmation!!! I got so scared that my application got lost in the mail and that they never received my application at all . . . but God bless moi, I got it Friday, and I am going to CTY = Of course this means that school is almost over, and what joy!!!!!!!! And along with joy comes that inevitable regret, sniff sniff, because we're all growing up. Sigh.

   Um, so . . . *running out of things to say* . . . I can't think of anything else to say, so . . . oh, wait a sec! I wanna know ur GPA (if you're in 8th grade, MMS) so call or e-mail me! Thanx =D Bye bye.

April 28, 2001

   It's been such an awful day for me. It didn't even start out that way, this morning I woke up late and everyone was frustrated with me but I didn't care, because in my head I had a little thought going. That little thought was so very pleasant and nothing could get to me, because I hadn't a single doubt in my mind that this pleasant little thought wouldn't come true. Mommy told me to be "prepared for the worst" when I walked out the door in silver 3-inch American Eagle heals. Because mommy knew that just in case something out of the ordinary happened, I wouldn't have to be in too much shock. But since I was still indulging in my pleasant reverie in the morning, I didn't hear a word she said.

   And I was wrong. I was so very wrong because nothing turned out the way it is, nothing at all. Sometimes I wonder if God just does this to me because He knows I want it so much that I don't deserve it, or something mean like that. He's always got these little surprises in store for me, when I don't want something I can get it, and when I want something so badly, I don't get it. Robert Burns was right.

"The best laid schemes of mice and men,

Often go wrong

And leave us nought but grief and pain

For promised joy!

  The worst part was, when everyone said "Congratulations" to me. I was so ashamed, I couldn't even say anything, I had to look away. I still am. But hey . . . let's look at it this way. The judges are blind . . . if they didn't pick my paper to go onto the nationals, that's their loss, isn't it? And I could give less of a damn, I'm gonna keep my head up high and get on with it. Next time, I'll show 'em my stuff =)

   I think it's about time I grow up and realize, without any crying or throwing temper tantrums or being depressed, that life doesn't always go the way you want it, and even though sometimes you can work your butt hard, it won't always pay off. Jennifer, Laurissa? I think your exhibit was the most AWESOME one there. It was so beautiful, you guys spent so much time and effort and money on it, and Jen actually talked audibly! I hoped you both had fun anyway, minus Jason's annoyingly childish antics (hehe...pine cones!!!) and minus the 3-inch heels which kill =(

   For all of you who performed wonderfully at NHD . . . no, I should rephrase that, for all of you who went to NHD, all of your stuff was great. Go Marlboro Middle School!!! Tami, FIRST!! Go girl! Katya - SECOND!! YEAA! Everyone else - Sorry, I kind of forgot you won something . . . but Congrats!!!!!!!! All of you represented Marlboro well =)

   When I am 85 years old and on my deathbed, it won't matter that I didn't get first place at NHD in 8th grade, it won't matter that I didn't win this or win that. It's all for the pleasure now, it's all to give you your fifteen minutes of fame and make you feel like somebody and boost your self-esteem and self image. Now, if you don't mind, I'll bid you my farewells. The end of April is approaching . . . time flies, it really does *sigh*. I'm going to finish up some last homework tidbits so that tomorrow, I can spend the whole (or most) of the day rejuvenating my peace of mind =)

May 15, 2001

   Hey, hey, hey. Looks like our little Dibbun has finally grown up =)

   First, my apologies. My poor updating skills =( Soo... they've gotten the best of me =D Sorri, people! But you'd be crazy to read this. I mean ... if you are ... not only are you crazy, you are EXTREMELY loyal to me. And for that, I thank you. A lot. *curtsies* =)

   I've got strep, haven't been to school since this Monday. Today's Tuesday, so that would be 2 days =D. I'm not gonna go tomorrow, either. Thursday will be the first day I light my face up in the hallways of MMS. I hope you people have missed me ... hehe ... I know you have. (Yea you!!!!!!) It's 11 PM right now and I've been talking on AIM the WHOLE day (well, practically) so I have a lot of math homework to do, which I will do AFTER I shower and AFTER I get into my PJs. My PJs are awesome. Those strawberry patterns do wonders, they do =

   Basically, the point I was about to make before I got sorta carried away, was a simple note to self. OK ~~ Tian? If you are reading this, please just remember that 5/15/2001 was SUCH an interesting day. Check your AIM records and your Napster records for further details. The conversations I had today on AIM, and the ones that I recorded must have taken up hundreds of thousands of pages! Everything was just so scandalous, I couldn't stop . . . Heartbreaker =)

   Daddy is ushering me to sleep. But I need to do shoutoutz: Ben~#1 Boy *mWa* Luv ya forever and ever and ever! Jay~Feel betta! Best man ;) Mattie~Dadda!! Babi luvs ya!!!! Albert~Don't worry. Be happy =) (I will!) Geo~LYLAB!! *ruffles hair* Frank~AlRIGHT! Stop arguing w/ me! j/k j/k =D Fuzzy~Deedee!!!

   This is strictly a guy shoutout, girls are excluded (for once) =D Don't feel left out, though... If I forgot you, doesn't mean I don't love you! These peeps just so happened to be talking to me today on AIM, and I won't ever forget them. I mean ... I have the conversations saved and all ... teehee! = So I love you all, take care of yourselves until I see all of you again, ok? And remember to pray for your family, your friends, yourself, and the thingamajiggies Somewhere Over the Rainbow =)

May 27, 2001

Look at the stars ... look how they shine for you ...

... And all the things that you do ...

   Memorial Day Weekend = AlOtTa SlEeP = YaY!!!

   Science Symposium was pretty good - PHEW, I actually finished it in time! Although by "in time", I actually mean finishing it at 4:30 AM and waking up in 2 hours just to haul my butt (and my trifold, and my spectroscope) to school. What a lovely day it was. And also, I'm a full 5 days late, but . . . LEMONBERRI!!!!!!!!! HAPPY 14!!!

   Well I've updated twice this month, pretty bad eh? I've got lots of other stuff on my mind. Many things require my attention. Eh-hem. Your guess is as good as mine ;D. My teeth are in extreme pain, I went to the ortho today and not only did the doc doc tell me that I can't get my braces off before the 8th grade dance, (*sob* *whimpers* *sniff* *~hiccup!*) but the assistant lacks skill and forgot to snip off the ends of the wire on my top brace. I lost the wax. Currently, the wire is seeking to dig into my gum, irritating, painful!!!!!!!!!! Ouch!!

   I'm gonna go and wonder about why everything's moving so fast now, this should take up the next hour or two before I go to sleep. (Again. How many hours do I need, anyway?!) Less than a month until school's over! And then it's S/E ... S/E ... nothing but visions of S/E ... fortunately I have 3 weeks of CTY to indulge in before that =) This year's CTY is gonna be different ... it won't be like last year ... it'll be ... *~_~*

June 3, 2001

   This is a little tribute to my daddy.

   Thanks, daddy, you were always there for me - all my life, you were always there to make me feel bad about what I could do well. and you were always there to make me feel bad about the things I couldn't do. All my life you've compared me to others who are better than me, there's always one more of them out there, and you chose the person that you knew would make me feel the worst. Thanks for always being there for me, when I came home, to ruin the perfect day that I just had. What are you, paid to make my life as miserable as it can get, and even then make it even worse than that? They must pay you a lot, daddy! I hope you enjoy your money. You earned it.

   If you're ever reading this, daddy, I want you to know that I hate you so much, I couldn't hate anything or anyone more than you in this whole entire world. Go ahead, you're probably seething with anger right now, right? When you get a chance, the next time you see me, you're going to beat me with boards, sticks, rulers, even your bare hands, right? You like living with the fact that both your hands are stained with the tears and blood of your two kids? You must like it a lot!! You seem to find a passion in doing it, over and over again. You're going to throw staplers, books, and everything and anything else you can get your hands on at me, aren't you? I don't care. It hurts me, you know it, I know it too. When I was little I didn't know much of what was going on, so you could throw me around and take it all out on me, couldn't you? I wouldn't have a fuckin clue what was happening to me. But I remember, I remember what happened, and now that I'm older I'm beginning to understand why. You think you can get away with it? As long as you haven't beat me to a bloody pulp, and as long as I exist on the face of this earth, and as long as I can still cry and smile and talk and feel pain and emotions, you won't get away with this. But you don't care, do you?

   I hope you're having fun making my life inside and outside of the house a living hell. Soon, in another four years, I'll be gone. I'll make sure I do just well enough in S/E, push myself to the bare limits if need be, so I can go to a college faraway from this filthy, shit filled excuse of a home. I won't come back, I hope you know that. You'll be happy, of course, daddy, your oldest daughter is gone so now you'll just repeat your habitual disciplining on my sister, won't you? I know you will. I'll get married and have kids and you won't ever have to hear from me again. Both of us will like that, I know. And I'll make sure that my children grow up happy, and that they're righteous, and that they love and are at peace with others, because I know that I won't ever treat my children the way you did to me. If they were sad and needed encouragement, I would sit down with them and tell them everything I knew just so they could feel better. All you ever did was yell and hit. And daddy, the yelling hurt me more than the hitting. But you don't care. They're both the same to you - whatever hurts me, you'll do.

   Don't call me disrespectful, you owe these feelings of mine to no one but YOURSELF! But no, daddy . . . I'm just wasting my time here . . . you never listen anyway, do you? No. You don't. You don't listen to anyone but yourself, yourself, you you you, it's always you, daddy! Maybe you're perfect, daddy, but I'm not! I know you think I'm stupid. I'm not assuming this, daddy, I know this because you tell me. You remind me everyday, one way or another, that I'm not smart. And you make me feel terrible about it. Do you know? I know you do, you do it on purpose, you find joy in watching me feel bad about myself. You make me hate my friends, you know that? My friends don't understand, when I get mad at them impulsively and for no reason, they find it repulsive and they back away from me. When I make friends, I need to keep them away from you, daddy. If I don't, you'll find one way or another to make me lose them. I can love my friends one day and hate them the next, all because of your meaningless existence. You'll tell me to be more like them, to be smarter than them, and the list goes on. And what do you do about it? Nothing!! You don't try to help me, you don't encourage me, you don't show me how to better myself in any way.

   Do you expect me to learn and succeed with absolutely no guidance whatsoever, AND a bastard like you making things worse for me?? You're a despicable fool!!!!!! Like today, daddy. You're smart, you know you can't treat me too bad when mommy's around, so you plan your moves when when mommy takes Catherine to church. You know I'm too proud to tell mommy what happened. You're exploiting my pride, so you can make me feel as bad as you want me to feel, and you can make me cry until I've gone through a dozen boxes of tissues.

   Why couldn't I have been the one to get the award for Social Studies Seminar? Why couldn't I have been the one to get the award for Science Seminar? Why didn't I get the highest average in language class? Why didn't I make the CBA team and get first place in the state like Ben did for CBA? Why didn't I get perfect papers for CML? Why didn't I make the Mathcounts team and get third like Laurissa? Why did Jenny Liu get the highest average in math class and language class and I didn't? Why are Ryan Perumpail, Benjamin Wang, Laurissa Yee, Gregory Yen, Jennifer Yu, and those other goddamned geniuses the only ones who went up for almost all the awards? You don't know, you just don't know what this daddy of mine says to me each day. Do you want to know why I'm always so depressed, and so weak, and have no confidence, and complain all the time? Believe as you will, but if there was one thing I could get rid of in my life, it's my family.

   If I haven't died by then - If one day I succeed in life, I want you to know that I'm not going to support you in any way. If you end up on the streets in rags and you're crying out for help, I won't even turn my head in your direction. This is how much you make me hate you. Your presence disgusts me, and the more you hurt me, the more I hate you! Do you know that you're hurting me so much??

   You know it, because I burst into tears and cry right in front of you, I cry and apologize. And what do you do? You stand there and watch me hatefully. You tell me that I'm weak, and you tell me that you're ashamed of having a daughter like me. I know your parents treated you this way too. But I would think that after having been through all that, you would be kind and do well to make sure that you NEVER did that to your children, right, daddy? No, you don't believe in the pure and good in children. You cynical bitch, you believe that all children are evil to begin with, don't you, you believe that the only way to raise kids and to have them obey you are to BEAT them into submission? At this point I don't care too much about you, and you've asked for it. I still have a mommy who understands, don't I . . . . . . but now, she only understands a half, or a quarter of the time, because you've been such a terrible influence on her. You've ruined our lives, daddy. Maybe you're too engrossed in hurting us to notice, but you've changed our lives forever, daddy. And it's for the worse.

   So I want you to know right here and now that I hate you, because you hate me. You've never really loved me, have you? My friends love me more than you do, HALF a friend loves me more than you do! I know why you don't want me to have a boyfriend now. You don't anyone to love me as much as he would, you want everyone to hate me, so that you can laugh at me and serve as the primary example. You'll say: See? Nobody loves you! And no exception with me!! You don't try, daddy, and I don't want you to because I'm not sure I want anything to do with you anymore.

   It's mean of me, I know. I owe half my existence to you, half my life I've lived off your income, I have the bare necessities I need to survive here, but they're so bare. So I'll pay it off, I'll pay what little I owe you so when the time comes, I can walk away from you without feeling guilty. And you won't have a goddamned excuse to run around and complain to other people what a disobedient, disrespectful, and downright worthless daughter you have. Enjoy your tyranny over this family while you can, it's precious to you, I know. One day, I will dance on your grave and laugh, because I know you're in hell.

   I'm tired now. I can't say anymore, I'll start crying again, and I know I need to be stronger than that. I hope you know that I tried to kill myself today, daddy, and I was pretty damned close. But I stopped myself, because I figured, hey! If I die, I won't be there to defend myself when you walk casually around town bad-mouthing your dead daughter behind my back. Even though you've raised me in the worst and most unsupportive way possible, you've still raised me. I'm a human being and I have feelings, and thank God I'm not cruel and cold-blooded like you all the time! . . . . . . . If I don't start my math homework, I'll be behind. I can't be behind, can I, daddy? It's for my own good, isn't it? Because if I fall behind and get a 92 on my math test, you'll hit me inbetween telling me that I'm stupid, won't you? Yeah. So bye. And remember that just because you're a daddy, doesn't mean you're a good one. God bless you, bitch.

July 22, 2001

   Erm, oopz!!! Now THAT entry is what I call paranoid, heh heh. I'm feeling much better now, although I can't write for too long cuz I only seized this opportunity when both my parents are not home. And it's a Sunday too, which usually means one or both my parents are home. But as of right now, only my sister and I are at home, so . . . I thought it would be nice to at least make sure whoever scrolls to the bottom of this page doesn't have to see the whole big messy entry before this. *ahem*

   Ahhh . . . lemme just say that CTY this year was sooooo great and I had suuuuuuch a blast that I can't even describe it in words. If you were there with me, you know what I mean . . . I got a single room (yay!!!!!!!) in Thomas in a suite with Jennifer (hehe!) and two other Asian girls who were BOTH in my hall last year at CTY . . . and one of them was my former roommate! *gag*. Except it was fourth floor, but anyway, I dismissed it as much needed exercise. Heh heh heh.

   And it was all a blast, it was all a dream, something I'll probably never experience again, cuz I'm most likely not going to go back next year =( These two years at CTY put together have been the best 6 weeks of my life, the best 1 1/2 months out of the fourteen years of my life . . . give or take . . . =) Forever Young will always bring tears, memories, and a glad smile ~ And American Pie will be THE song I'll always clap my hands to, wave my hands in the air to, sing along to, and best of all, chant to . . . .

July 31, 2001

   Whew!! It's the end of July already!! Unfortunately, I cannot enjoy the days to their full potential because I am not home alone by myself, and plus, I have piano lessons today, after a month or more!! But dat's OK, because I have other things to enjoy! Such as sitting here, with nothing to do, and trying to read a rather boring book entitled, "Java Programming Basics". Yay. >.< The only reason I am updating is b/c, well . . . Iceberri has a new site!!!!!!!! I updated my Links page first, so now you can go to her website too!! Visit it . . . I went, and it's pretty cool!

   Only a little over a month until school starts again . . . . Yes . . . . the dreaded concept of High School is approaching us, quick-like too. I just wanna hug my stuffed animals and stay home and whimper all day long =( *whimpers miserably*

   My summer homework is progressing in quite a satisfactory manner & pace. Unlike my usual self, which is (or rather, was) characterized by excessive PROCRASTINATION *grins and blushes* I'm done with the math, even though I don't know if I needed to or not. Either way, my dad would have made me, and he did! I finished the CHEESE BOOK, the Bean Trees, and Gap Creek {Some random and strange notion overtook my mind, and I read both} I'm halfway (or more) through Mythology, because I had little interest in mythology prior to this reading anyway. And the beginning was just sooo terribly boring, it turned me off instantly. I think I should finish Mythology by tomorrow, so I can start on my biology homework! It'll take me a week if I work efficiently and scrutinize over every detail. Yes. I am looking forward to doing it. I know that many of you already have =) Teehee.

   I hafta go now . . . hopefully I'll still be able to update the Strawberry Gallery every once in awhile, it would be a shame to just let yucky weeds vandalize all the lovely strawberry patches, right? =(

   Now smile =) and go drink some cold, fresh strawberry cordial!!

August 1, 2001

   Can anybody tell me what today is? Well . . . it's bouncing around on the screen. =

   As I gaze outside my bedroom window, all alone in my house, I can't help but think: What a beautiful day for cloud watching! =)

   Anywayz, back to what makes today a SPECIAL day. It is my half year anniversary, whether you believe it or not! This is actually intended for only one other person to read, and that would be YOU who is supposed to share this anniversary w/ me. You are probably celebrating, at the library, you know? Gathering bits of confetti, sprinkling it everywhere, skipping around carrying dusty books waiting to be reshelved in your arms, and whistling . . . LOL ;D. You know who you are =)

   I don't know about you but in the time we had together, those are the moments I won't ever forget and that I'll always hold dear to my heart. I whole-heartedly dedicate my soul to you (good heavens.. =) in hopes that you'll always hold it close and look to it for comfort whenever you need me!

   May this day live on forever in our memories;

I LUB U ... . . . XOXOXO . . .... A LOT!!!!!

August 11, 2001

   Yesterday I went to see Rush Hour 2 w/ Stephanie ... it's such a cool movie!!! It was hilarious too, (considering it has a "2" tagging along after the name ... and also starring Jackie Chan =) and SOO awesome. Zhang ZiYi all the way!! For those of you who haven't seen it yet . . . sorry to give it away (it's in black so u can't read it unless u highlight it.. or unless ur screen brightness is set @ the highest), but I like the part where she blows herself up at the end!! *evil smiles* =

   Today was rather uneventful, other than the fact that I went on Neopets =O at someone else's house ~_~ and also that I played frisbee with Albert (yes, at someone else's house) which made my legs (and right arm) rather sore ... and the sky was a smooth & uniform grayish-lavenderish-purplish color around 8 PM! I'm outta here, I need to go do other stuff ---> ;D

September 1, 2001

   I am soo sorry to everyone who still checks my site (ehh..?) because my updating skills have been reduced to the ultimate horrid level ... My computer died a few weeks ago and since then it has been fixed (courtesy of daddy) but the Internet does not yet work on my newly-fixed computer because my daddy needs to learn 3 computer courses (eww) and he won't have time to reconnect my computer to the LAN. So, my point is, I hope that was a valid excuse for not updating since ... was it August 11? I don't rightly remember =)

   And can you believe it?!?! It's September 1 already!! I want to cry for a long, long time, because September always means one thing to me: Schooooool ... and this time, it isn't just school! It's High School!! And it's not just high school ... it's S/E High School!!!!!! Noo... waaahhh!! You lot, mean, nasty, evil, and grim people, have all been feeding me these terrible stories about sleep-deprivation and nerdiness and diligency and tough competition and suicidal tendencies and whatnot ... and I'm sick of it!! I just want to go to S/E and be peaceful, don't die along the way, survive these four years and learn something besides Gelinek sucks and go into a decent college where I will eventually be able to feed myself and clothes myself and shelter myself and, and, and ....

   Now I see why I am most always in a yucky mood. I think too much.

   Anyway, my entry today (and probably one of the last few, once S/E starts ... eh heh heh, u guys know I'll have gone crazy by then =) cannot be long, so I'll just wrap it up here ... I hope you're happy, Fuzzy, that I updated, and I only did so cuz 1It's the beginning of a new - turning point in (my) history type - month!!! 2 Becuz of ur most recent guestbook entry, Fuzz. Don't u feel special? =D

   GOoD LuCk and BeSt of WiShEs >> To ALL my friends going into high school, especially S/E!!! No matter where every one of you is going, I love you to the end, so work hard in school ... don't do drugs (Nimrod can corroborate this) ..... and we'll all see where it eventually leads us. Adieu!!

   (If you are becoming highly emotional, please disregard the Adieu)

September 14, 2001

God Bless the USA

If I could tell the world just one thing,
It would be that we're all OK.
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these.
I won't be made useless,
Won't be idle with despair.
I will gather myself around my faith,
For light does the darkness most fear.
My hands are small, I know,
But they're not yours, they are my own -
But they're not yours, they are my own -
And I am never broken.

Jewel - Hand

   In light of what happened this Tuesday, September 11, I think we know all the clearer just how cruel and inhuman people in this world can be. Although none of us are able to turn back time and undo the horrible injustice and pain done to the American people, I think we can all learn to appreciate what we have around us and that the ones we love are still with us.

   To those who have lost friends and family, I want you to know that I am just another one of the millions of Americans who wish to express my deepest, most heartfelt condolences. May God bless every single one of those innocent, hardworking people who perished with the attack on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon. For those whose family members and friends are still missing, do not lose heart; instead, send your prayers to God and ask Him for His guidance and love.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:10

   Despite the fact that none of my neighbors have visibly put out any candles, I placed out four on my driveway, arranged in the symbol of peace. In this time of turmoil, I know that I feel more at peace if I keep close in mind that I at least acknowledge in a small little action what has happened and how I feel about it. May God bless America, and all of you too.

   I love you.

September 18, 2001

   Today and tomorrow are off . . . my greatest and most sincere THANKS to Rosh Hashanah!!! I spent this morning finishing up the other 60 bio diagrams that weren't assigned to my class yet . . . and after I had to clean up a little bit becuz today's the day my GRAMMA'S coming!!! Yay!!!!!!!!

   This afternoon I went to Nolan Road Park (or something like that) to play Frisbee!! We actually played about 15 or 20 minutes before Ben started chasing me with this evil look on this face, holding a frisbee, and muttering about, "I'm gonna peg her..." Naturally I screamed (heh..) and ran away. Unfortunately I am unable to outrun him, and in the end he pegged me (lightly) anyway. About this time I noticed I lost my little ladybug watch thingie . . . I got soo worried, cuz I've been through about 3 watches/clip thingies in the past three months. Which is extremely bad. We spent the next hour or so looking for my lil ladybug clip thingie, and to my utter dismay, did NOT succeed in finding it >.<

   Around 4 when some people started leaving, Mattie, me, Jen, Jessilyn and Dave started walking around to each other's houses, and eventually Mattie, me, Jen and Dave ended up at Mattie's house. I stole Mattie's bike (hehehehe ... thanx =) and proceeded to go crazy and ride around the area about 10 times. After I experienced this action as a very poor and reckless idea, because I could barely walk. In addition to my semi-inability to walk, I subsequently felt very much like THROWING UP, which lasted for at least half an hour. (auugh.) Technically the fun ended there . . . oh, a remembrance for today!!!

   Jen will definitely remember, so u can ask her about it to confirm . . . . there was this car that delivers pizza (I believe) that had an American flag propped onto the antennae, and the windows were open as the driver drove by . . . and my first instinct was to scream at the top of my lungs, "God Bless America!!!!!!"

   Which I did =)

   I had lotsa fun today . . . considering I'm in S/E, this is great . . . and I hope I'll be able to experience days reminiscent to this one in the future, be it far, or be it near.

September 19, 2001

   I feel ickish. Daddy ain't being nice today.

October 13, 2001

   Ben got a haircut today. A flip. Ben. U look soooo cute!!! =P

November 24, 2001

   Hope all of u had enough 2 eat .... life SUX. Jus like me ...

November 30, 2001

   Track was fun. I did terrible, but it was fun nonetheless =P My leg muscles aren't that sore anymore . . . in the beginning of the week, they killed >.< especially on Tuesday morning. Whoops, gotta go to sleep, nite nitez!

December 21, 2001

   Today, Winter Begins!! Of course, you don't really see any signs of it since it's so warm (relatively to previous winters, anyway) and no sign or prediction of snow is currently available.

   Let's not fight anymore. I love you =)

December 22, 2001

   So why is everyone doing their Bio already? It makes me feel so alone. I haven't touched upon bio yet =) I woke up at 2 this afternoon (without waking up once! Yay!) and after that, I ate and played piano for about 3 hrs. What? I really have to catch up on my piano! The first half hour, I sucked a lot cuz my fingers were all rigid and yucky. Then, I got my skillz back *wink wink* Heehee =P

   Wowie!!! One of the Advent Calendar items on Neopets today is . . . a strawberry snowball! So kewl!!! =) Anyway, jus wanted to say hi, I'm pretty bored right now. I think I'll go play Zelda in a little while...!!!!! ZELDIE!! FINALLY!!!! WHOOPEEEEEEEE!!!!!

December 25, 2001

Merry Chr*$tm@$!!

H@ppy Hol*d@yz!!!