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The Original "Gum Chewer Story"

   It was a beautiful day, as you can see, the sun was shining at its, no doubt, best, the sky was cloudless and of a light blue color, the wind was breezy but warm, and the birds in the sky chirped and chirped until you knew every note. A regular May school day,

   As I settled down in my homeroom class, room 35, taught by a wonderful teacher named Mrs. Argill who loved math, the speaker suddenly made a loud, screeching sound that hurt your ears. I twas our principal, Mrs. Marchinsoda, (pronounced marching soda) and she was on all of the PA systems every day, unusually late to say the Pledge of Allegiance. After that, she informed all staff and students of any notices or school changes. Today, the notice was particularly odd. Everyone thought they had a flaw with their hearing, for Mrs. Marchinsoda announced that from now on, gum would be permitted in this school, and our school only. Hi. My name is Tiffany Chang. I'm in 6th grade and 11 years old. I'm turning 12 on July 4, and I'm darn proud of that too. I love math. I also like music, but my opinion of this school's music class is not very high. Of course, all I really like are the elegant shows that 5th and 6th graders put on. They are truly the best in the state - maybe best in the country, or the world! I should say that, the glory of the shows put on really depends on what kind of show it is, and what the chorus likes. If you put on a boring, educational-only show, and the chorus thought that too, you wouldn't have much luck on an expert show. Of course, it also depends on how you teach the kids, and what kind of mood they're in.

   This year, we planned a Broadway show that was two hours and 55 minutes long. Although that may seem like a long time for almost any Elementary show, it was extremely worth it. The audience applauded before, during, and after the show. They clapped louder and loner at the end, though. I know all of us felt really good because even the grumpiest kid in the grade burst out in smiles and whoopied to the audience. In response, the audience cheered even louder, and this time they threw bunches of fresh flowers, cards, and 1/3 even threw big, red, stuffed, and cute Elmos at us! I got one Elmo, three bunches of roses, and 5 cards. I could tell one card was printed by a little kid because of the spelling mistakes. It said, "Dear purformer, I hope you take this note as a very grand and sinsere complimint. My parints and sister loved the show! I wunder if we will put on such a gloreos and magnifisint show when I get to six grade. Love, Jenna."

   I was somewhat touched by that letter. I showed it to Mrs. Argill, and she said I was so fortunate that I had gotten such an inspiring letter. I agreed.

   Back to what I was talking about. All the classes shrieked words of delightfulness as the PA went off. Mrs. Argill just dropped her purse and didn't pick it up. Speechless again. But this time, I wasn't surprised why. I stepped up to her desk and asked her what she thought of this, and why she thinks Mrs. Marchinsoda just said that. Mrs. Argill resumed to her speech senses, and said that maybe the principal wanted to quit, but no one would let her. Then, she thought up this crazy idea that if she did something like this, the Board would fire her. She would then get her wish without having to fuss with the superintendent about her resigning. I thought that was a reasonable response, since I didn't have any idea at all. I also informed her that since kids could start chewing gum in class, no one would probably listen to any of their teachers. Instead, they would be chatting in class about what flavor and brand gum they were chewing, recommending a certain brand of gum, or worse, spitting gum where it didn't belong. That turned out to be a big problem. Since many students weren't used to chewing gum in class, and they thought that this was only a temporary rule, they took every advantage they could find to chew all the gum they brought to school, and every advantage to throw it away. Of course, you would be thinking right now that they would only have their jean's pockets, coat pockets, or just pockets to put a day's worth of gum in. Instead, they put all the gum they had (there's more than you think) in their backpacks, and usually that would last an average gum chewer a week. This backpack full of gum wouldn't last two days. I wonder why. Mrs. Argill also wondered why. No one else did, though. My parents don't allow gum chewing, so I was stuck with asking my friends Julie Liu, Laura Yu, and Emily Wang for a stick or two of Bubblicious gum. They never turned me down, but I think they're sick of giving me gum ever day. Once, Emily screamed at me, "Why don't you bring your own gum, Tiffany?" I screeched back at her, "My parents don't allow it, dope!!" After that, Emily dumped all her gum wrappers on me and walked away. I had to pick it up and throw it in the garbage can, of course. After several hours, Julie dragged Emily over to apologize. After saying, "Sorry, Tiff," glumly, she punched me square in the jaw. It hurt. Julie had to haul her back to class with Laura's help because Julie was afraid she was too weak to pull Emily. This was most surprising to me, since Julie was very athletic, loved soccer, basketball, and teniss, and a very strong girl for her age. Emily wasn't any stronger, but this time, she probably felt like she weighed around 300 lbs. She was carried away still smoking her ears out, and still wanting another whiff of punching me in the face. She didn't get in trouble for that, because only Julie and Laura saw her punching me. They didn't tell, I didn't tell, so it became a big secret between us, a secret worth 'punching' for. Get it? Now, this is the real story. Listen closely, or you won't "get it." Get it?

   This is now three weeks after the great rule was passed. In my class, there was this really smart kid who was just obsessed with gum chewing and all information about every brand of gum. When some of us are only fascinated in gum chewing, and just want to know where to get the gum, Jonathan (the obsessed kid) could tell you where to get the gum, along with how to get there, a detailed description of where it's located in the store, what price it currently was, and everything it says on the gum label, even the ingredients section. You find yourself becoming bored out of your head because you are stuck with Jonathan telling you everything (usually it is everything) about the gum you are asking information on. You can be sure Jonathan has tasted all the gum brands in the world, and can give you the most specific description of its taste. Ask for a brief summary, and it takes at least ten minutes. Now you know how long the original description is. If you try to escape the horror of the description part, Jonathan just pulls you back and tells you to listen more carefully. This is the moment where you actually want to get back to class.

   A really big thing happened today. To Jonathan. Something you may have always dreamed of, or talked about, but never experienced in real life. Today, Jonathan was sent to the principal, then dismissed from school. We all starved for the explanation, but Mrs. Argill just kept saying that her hair was still sticky. We didn't know what that meant, of course. Finally, we had an answer. You see, since Jonathan yearned gum, you can be sure he chews it all day in school and at home. If you can be sure that he chews it, you can be sure that he has to spit it into the garbage can when there was no more flavor in it. And if you're sure he has to spit it into the garbage can all day, you can be sure he misses plenty of times, with the key that he's not a very good spitter. And if you can be sure he misses lots of times, you can be sure the chewed gum will sometimes end up in the wrong place. And that's where the story begins.

   Hi. My name is Julie Liu. This is just an outline of what happened in homeroom class today. First, I'll talk about me. I'm 12 years old; my birthday is May 15. I'm the oldest of Laura Yu, Emily Wang, and Tiffany Cheng. I'm also the most dependable and trustworthy, not to brag of course. I think Emily is an unearthly alien from the planet Girthead. She acts weird around Tiffany sometimes, not mentioning the last time she punched Tiffany. I can see Tiff's mouth is still a little unnatural. Tiffany and I don't have braces, but Emily and Laura do. We all have glasses, except Tiffany has contacts, which she says are stupid, and keeps trying to sue the Contact Lenses Company. She never succeeded, but she never gives up.

   Anyway, Jonathan was chewing gum this afternoon in class, while no one but Emily, Laura, Tiffany, and I were paying any attention at all to the lesson we were studying. Suddenly, in one quick move, John spit out his Bubblicious gum and tried to aim for the garbage. The point of my concern was not because John didn't aim very well, but because he struck Mrs. Argill in her hair, and actually laughed at that. I would've punched him right there, but because I have good sportsmanship, I kept my hands to myself, and only let out a sever groan. It was amazing how only after I had told Mrs. Argill that she had gum stuck in her hair, and who had done it, that she, for the first time, realized that she had gum clinging in her hair. She got so mad that she sent Jonathan straight to Mrs. Marchinsoda's office. SO, Jonathan marched out of the room - carrying fourteen packs of Bubblicious gum with him. Mrs. Marchinsoda didn't care whether John chewed gum or not in her office, for she was the one who had allowed it. One thing that she did care about was the fact that someone spit gum in her face and hair. That was exactly what Jonathan did. He later claimed that it was an accident, but nobody but the "Four Musketeers" (T.C. E.W. L.Y. J.L.) believed him. John's punishment for his "carelessness" of chewing gum and spitting it on the principal's face and hair was to suspend Jonathan from school for four days. After John came back, he again spit gum in Mrs. Argill's face. Mrs. Argill sent John to the principal. While Jonathan was walking into the principal's office, he tripped on a wire which was connected to a very expensive data-storing & copying machine. That very costly machine fell to the floor in a crash that sounded like a bandit breaking glass, and attracted Mrs. Marchinsoda's attention. When Mrs. Marchinsoda looked up, Jonathan tripped again, but this time backwards by stepping on a blue blob of chewing gum. The gum stuck to his shoe, and his shoe plunged from John's feet. The shoe swayed in midair, and before Jonathan could say "Oops," the shoe lunged right in Mrs. Marchinsoda's face. In other words, the shoe with the gum on the bottom struck Mrs. Marchinsoda's face, and stuck there - that blob of chewing gum holding up the stinky shoe to Mrs. Marchinsoda's face. "Ouch," winced the principal. Instead of suspending John for another week or so, Mrs. Marchinsoda got so mad at him for doing this "on purpose" (Both times were truly mishaps) that she called the local county courthouse and sent Jonathan on court for a trial between the school principal and the gum obsessed kid. Jonathan's parents offered $2,000 to dismiss the trial, but the principal offered $4,000 to have the trial and not let John's parents get their way. Of course, the person who offers more dough gets their way. Jonathan, however, had another opinion. He chose not to take his parent's advice for not bringing gum to court and to not be impolite. So, Jonathan took thirteen packs of Bubblicious Strawberry flavored gum to court with him. As the gum in John's mouth started to lose flavor, the judge yelled at Jonathan for not answering his questions. Jonathan thought the judge would be a fun target for spitting gum at, so that was exactly what he did. He had improved his gum-spitting skills by doing it everyday to his younger sister in 5th grade, 11 years old, named Elaine. Elaine got so mad once that she banged a tin pot on John's head, but instead of killing Elaine, Jonathan just burst out in absolutely hysterical laughter. Elaine never again did that, for she was afraid that her hysterical brother would do something horrible to her next time. Elaine knew that 7th graders were famous for doing "horrible" things to younger kids, not meaning drugs, but stuff in your lunch. Kids who easily got freaked out usually fainted or cried out loud in front of the whole grade, or just threw the lunch away and asked to go to the bathroom. They never came back to school.